At least I feel like I do. I get tons of ideas and have tons of things I want to and need to do. There are computer games I want to finish. There are Wii games I want to play. There are books I want to read. There are movies I want to watch. There aren’t ever enough hours in the day to hang out with my daughter and wife. I feel like HDMI switches where there are tons of sources of things to do, and only one set of hands to take care of them all. But at least with those, you only deal with one source at a time. My brain won’t let me do that.

“Do this now! And this! And this!”

It screams at me all day and most of the night.

So I want 20 hands. Seriously I do. Anyone know a good surgeon who can do this for me? Anyone have spare hands they don’t need? Anyone know a good manicurist that’ll take care of the fingernail clipping for me?

Wait. I’ll need arms to go with those hands. Sheesh. And then I’ll need room to use all of them at once. Hmmm. That means even longer arms than normal. I guess this won’t work. Forget I said anything.

Posted by Saphrym | 9 Comments »

This is the true story of the storm that attacked Louisiana as seen from my eyes and the way I remember it. Continued from Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

When last we left the family that was escaping from the aftermath of Katrina, they were near Texas. Ok. Not they. Us. We found a hotel. We got lucky. Sprint’s information randomly gave us a number for a motel off the main road that was one of those “pay-by-the-week” types of motels. You know the ones. Well, it was actually kind of nice. Had three beds and a kitchen area. We rented two rooms. If it wasn’t for this motel, we’d have not gotten a room until the middle of Texas. Again, we were lucky.

We spent the week in the motel and went back home. Well, to our house. Trees lined the roads like natural gravestones. Our house stood amidst the river of debris. So did the other houses. Our area just hadn’t been hit that hard. My in-laws, however, did not share our fate. Their oak tree fell into their house. It was a gigantic oak tree. It demolished the house. So they moved in with us.

Now imagine this: A 3 bedroom house with a family of 3 living in it. Then 9 people move in with that family. Are you starting to see the full picture? Sanity ran from the house as if it was on fire. Too many people.

So, we started looking for a new place to live. We had planned on doing so in about two years. Katrina moved up the plan by a year. Amidst the jobs in Los Angeles that we looked at, the possibility of Toronto, or even the possibility of maybe getting jobs within the Philadelphia school system, we chose Maysville.

(The End)

So there you have it. A shortened version of the story of Katrina as it happened to us. I’m working on a longer version. If this gets enough comments, maybe I’ll extend the version on the blog.

Posted by Saphrym | 2 Comments »

I live in the United States of America. I’m quite proud to live here. I love the place. Truly, I do. But we’ve lost our focus, and I don’t know how long it has been lost.

Recently our government gave us a stimulus package. Basically, anyone who did their taxes and made less than a certain amount got $300 per person in the household. That’s not a perfect description, but a quick one. What did we do with the money? Well, most of the people I’ve seen spend it have spent it on big screen televisions, gaming systems, etc. They haven’t used it for bills or clothing or other such necessities. This tells me we are the consumer country people believe us to be. We don’t focus on the right things. We have taken the handout and done exactly what the government wanted us to do with it. We’ve spent it on consumer products. This makes the country look like it’s doing better economically than it actually has.

There is a major election coming up in November. But we vote everyday.

“What? How do we vote everyday?”

The things you buy tell commercial companies what else you want to buy. The shows you watch tell the television executives what television shows you want to watch. So if America is buying silly “toys” and watching reality television, guess what will be provided for us? That’s right. More “toys” and more reality television.

Instead of researching the best anti wrinkle cream, the best television, or even the best mp3 player, what we should be doing is researching the best candidate for President. We should be voting on the best Senators and the best Representatives. We should be doing what’s best for our country.

Of course, if buying a plasma television or anti wrinkle cream, or watching Hell’s Kitchen or American Idol seems more important than education, the environment, or even the current war we’re going through, then again I say we’ve lost focus and I’m afraid for our future and the future of our children.

Feel free to disagree or yell at me for mentioning your favorite television show. I want your opinions on this topic. Just give yourself five minutes to think before responding.

Posted by Saphrym | 19 Comments »

Trust. It is hard to come by in this day and age. Everyone mistrusts just about everything. And with the Internet and the tons of information available to people these days, who can blame them? But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I live in a small town. Really small town. Don’t get me wrong. I chose this town on purpose. I’ve lived near New Orleans for most of my life, so living in a small town was a dream of mine. But being in a small town means you have to deal with small town rules. One rule is I have to park on the opposite side of the street every Tuesday. Why? Because the street cleaner comes by. Street cleaner. That’s how small the town is. They have a street cleaner that visits every street. Another rule that I recently found out about is that have to have some form of sign on my fence gate to let people know a dog might be back there. Here’s my dog:

I just didn’t think a “Beware of Dog” sign fit for this particular canine. Do you? So I went looking for a different kind of sign. I found one. AVM Publishing puts out dog in yard signs. And I mean that literally. They say “Dog in Yard” or “Dogs in Yard” and come in brown, blue, or green. (Color is not a personal preference for me, but my wife loved the blue.) Comes with brass screws or plastic cable ties depending on what you need. Both are weather proof. (Listen to me. I’m starting to sound like an advertisement.)

There was only one problem. They don’t accept credit cards. They only accept checks. However (and this is a big “however”), they don’t ask for payment up front. They sent me the sign before I even paid for it.

“Wait. I think I’m going blind here Mike. I swore you just said they sent the sign without even having payment for it.”

Well, that’s not exactly how I said it, but you’re right. They call it the “Good Karma Policy.” They ship your sign and expect you to send your check just as fast. And speaking of fast, I had my sign in two days. It actually got here before they even received my check. Trust is so refreshing. I swear, if I ever need another sign like that, I’ll definitely do business with them again. I mean, shipping before payment. For the common consumer, that is unheard of. I wish more people would trust each other like that. Of course, I also wish more people would give reasons for that trust too.

But check it out. Here’s the sign on my gate:

Now the city is happy. I’ve followed their rules without making my cute, fluffy, little white dog seem like a monster. “Dog in Yard” sounds so much better than “Beware of Dog,” don’t you think?

Posted by Saphrym | 12 Comments »

This is the true story of the storm that attacked Louisiana as seen from my eyes and the way I remember it. Continued from Part 1 and Part 2.

I had no idea what an ademco was until I rented a house and got renter’s insurance out in the part of Louisiana where we lived. See, to lower the rates (tremendously by the way) you needed a security system. I never left my house unattended much. But this was the day after Katrina. It became a necessity.

The sun came back up the next day. The sweltering heat was felt throughout. Walking outside felt like walking through a waterfall. Louisiana is know for its humidity. That day was much worse. The other problem with heat and humidity is mosquitoes. They love that time of year. They also love human blood. Little tiny vampires with a penchant for sweaty bodies. We didn’t have screens on the windows or doors at the time (a lesson we learned from and remedied later) so our windows and doors had to stay closed to keep out the little bloodsuckers. That made it even hotter. There was me, my wife and daughter, my wife’s mother, brother, sister, great aunt, grandfather, two nephews, four dogs and a cat. We were all crowded in a house that had no electricity, unclean running water, and closed doors and windows. Sometimes we’d go outside and get in the van and turn it on for a bit to have air conditioner. But gas was a rarity, so we didn’t do it often. Ten people and four animals in a hot house just wasn’t working. Two of the adults were over 70. There were three kids under 7. They all had red, sweaty faces with no true relief to be found.

I checked the gas level on the van. We had half a tank. Same thing on the other vehicles. We had to get out. The storm hadn’t killed us, but that heat was about to finish the job. We all packed up, said a couple of prayers, and headed down the road passing empty gas station after empty gas station. After a few hours we were very low on gas and finally found a gas station with people. We waited in the mile long line. We finally pulled up and filled up the tanks with half-hearted smiles on our faces. The store was open, so we went in and got drinks and food, something we hadn’t had since the day before. It was nice and cool in the store. Some of us stood by the drink coolers for a while. We stayed there for about two hours, worried about the trip ahead. While sitting there, the last of the gas was sold. We had been lucky.

We packed up and headed off again. Everyone was cooled off. The vehicles had gas. It was time to find a hotel. We started this trip on the Eastern side of Louisiana. When night fell, we were almost in Texas.

(To Be Continued)

Posted by Saphrym | 7 Comments »

(Sorry for my lack of posts recently. I ended up getting really sick Monday. I’m still not over it, but it’s becoming bearable. So, figured I’d make a post out of it.)

So while being stuck in bed because you’ve got the flu, there are always ways of amusing yourself. Some are rather obvious, like taking cold medicine. That’s always an enjoyable experience, right? (Notice the sarcasm.) Here’s a few of the less obvious ways to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog:

10. Staring at the ceiling and making pictures with the little dots. I found Charlie Brown a couple of days ago. However, he morphed into Arnold Schwarzenegger while looking at him, so that may have been the Nyquil. I don’t know.

9. Again, staring at something can be quite amusing. In this case I was staring at a digital frame. I had it loaded with pictures of the in-laws and pictures of farm animals. After a while the two started merging in my brain. Was rather hilarious to me.

8. Realizing you can sing much lower. Seriously, have you ever been sick and noticed your voice dropped an octave? Now you can do the Barry White solo with ease. Just don’t try in the shower ’cause the steam clears out your throat and you start sounding like a much younger Barry White. Kind of throws off the mood.

7. Reading is always a great way to pass the time when you’re sick. Of course, you might want to stay away from the fantasy and horror books. With the medicine and the delirium of a fever, you start imagining some of the stories coming true. Can be rather scary. This is one of those few times a guy is allowed to read a romance novel.

6. Write a book. Since you’re just laying there, you might as well make good use of the time. Write a book. Just realize that when you finally get well again you will not be able to read your handwriting. And if you use the “writing it in my head” method, also realize that your “sick” head and “well” head are two different things. Therefore, your “well” head won’t remember anything that your “sick” head did anyway.

5. Practice origami. I made some swans that could flap their wings, a frog that could really jump, and a boat that could really float. I also made some Chinese throwing stars and practiced throwing them at the ceiling. I even manged to hit Arnie right in the nose.

4. Silly Putty. Can’t say this enough. If you have a little plastic egg with some of this stuff in it, feel free to play with it for hours. It’s quite the stress reliever. And if you have some newspaper, you’re set. You’ll be copying comics all day and reading them backwards. Just don’t try and use it as a bouncy ball when you own a cat. It becomes fuzzy. And fuzzy Silly Putty is not a fun thing to play with at all.

3. Speaking of toys, my Rubik’s cube got plenty of use out of it. The stickers won’t stick to it anymore. So now it’s really easy to solve. All of the faces are black. Doesn’t matter how much I mix it up, it’s always solved.

2. Cell phones are fun. You can play games on them. You can make prank phone calls. However, it’s very hard to dial *67 before making a phone call with a cell phone. So prank phone calls don’t work as well when the person picks up and says “Hi Mike.”

1. The best way to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog is to build a play mountain out of the sheets and bed spread. Look around for items you can use as army men. Now just fill in the rest with your imagination. The really great thing is when your wife comes in and sees you playing like a little kid, she’ll only think you’re delirious from the medication and let you get away with it. Make sure to include plenty of >pyoo pyoo< noises when firing the imaginary guns. You won’t be able to do them any other time.

What do you like to do to keep yourself amused when you’re sick as a dog?

Posted by Saphrym | 14 Comments »

This is the true story of the storm that attacked Louisiana as seen from my eyes and the way I remember it. Continued from Part 1.

Oak. Before the storm there was an oak tree in front of my wife’s family’s house. It was a huge, beautiful oak tree that stretched out to touch the backyard. It stood there protecting the family. But they had come to our house not too long before Katrina showed up. They were riding out the storm where we lived. Hurricanes always skirted our city until Katrina. So they felt they would be safer with us. And they were. The old sentry had shallow roots just like the tree in front of our house. So while we were all cowering from Katrina’s wrath, that old oak tree was uprooted and fell within their house. We had no idea about this until the storm was over. In this story, it’s not over just yet.

The rain was now sandblasting the roads. They were shining from the moisture. But they also contained numerous tree body parts. Limbs all over the place. Pine cones dribbling down the road. These were sights normally seen in silly dreams. But this was a nightmare. If you listened carefully, you could hear the orchestra playing minor chords in the wind. Another >crack< shot my eyes upward and I saw a limb as big as our smallest tree falling straight down to the ground. It landed with a bass filled thump that would cause any audio system geek to shriek with envy. The cacophony of breaking branches and thumping limbs was a terrible beauty.

Then it was over. It stopped so suddenly I was sure it was only a lull. But it was over. The wind stopped blowing and the rain only trickled down, slowly stopping. We had survived the night. The hurricane couldn't hurt us anymore. Or so I thought. What I didn't know at the time is the aftermath of such a storm is much more frightening than the storm itself.

(To Be Continued)

Posted by Saphrym | 10 Comments »

Some of you will get it. Others will not. For those of you who do, you’ve been warned! *insert maniacal laughter*

Feel free to share this on your own web site with the following code:
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(I had some server issues the last couple of days so haven’t been able to make any posts. This is the post that should have been posted yesterday. As for Monday’s MWF Read, I’ll post it later today as the Wednesday MWF Read. Sorry for any inconvenience.)

I was talking to Phirate yesterday and my weight loss came up. Then my strength training came up. And then a memory came back to me that I thought I’d share.

I used to work at a grocery store when I was in my teens. I had two jobs. I was a cashier and I was the day stocker. (I later got promoted to night stock manager, but that’s a different story.) The day stocker had to stock things like milk, eggs, water, and beer. At one point while I was working there I was able to carry 7 to 8 cases of beer that held 24 cans each. If the dolly or hand truck was unavailable, I’d just carry them myself from the back to the cooler where they were available for purchase. I ended up being quite strong because of this.

One day I was in the warehouse with another day stocker and the assistant manager. We were stacking beer cases on top of a wooden pallet for storage. There was a promotion going on for Budweiser, so we had many cases. At this point the stack was already about 8 to 9 feet tall. The easy way to handle this was for someone to sit/stand on top of the stack and the other person would throw the cases up to the person on top. I was the one throwing them. The other day stocker was catching them. The manager was taking inventory. We ended up with a really good rhythm. I’d throw, he’d grab and set down, and then I’d throw again. It was going very smoothly. That is, until I picked up a 12 pack.

See, the beer came in cases of 24 cans or packs of 12 cans. Well, I was used to throwing the cases of 24 cans and the next package I grabbed was a pack of 12 cans. I threw it up to the day stocker. The problem was, I threw it just as hard as I had been throwing the 24 can cases. I didn’t realize how close the warehouse ceiling was when a 12 pack was thrown that hard. The 12 pack hit the ceiling and all of the cans busted open. The 12 pack fell to the floor along with a nice rain of beer. At first, the manager got angry, but then he couldn’t help but laugh. All 3 of us were laughing. The actual store manager walked in at that moment. Remember, it rained beer. We’re covered in it and therefore smell like it and we’re all laughing.

We were all fired long enough for us to explain what happened and then were hired again as the store manager laughed too.

Do you have any stories about not knowing your own strength? Feel free to share.

Posted by Saphrym | 6 Comments »

Have you ever just had an awesome random conversation? Whether in person or by e-mail, these can be quite fun. I’ve had them happen in the past, but recently, it happened again and I really wanted to share it with you guys. Kristen from Kristen’s Guide is the person I had this particular conversation with. I featured one of her posts in my MWF Read and the conversation can be found below. Try starting one of your own. They can be very fun and really bring out the creativity in you. Without further ado, here’s the conversation between me and Kristen:

Kristen: Ahhhhh, thanks. Very nice of you. I’m honored. You realize though that this makes you my best friend. I’ll buy us matching bracelets and everything.

Me: Cool! One of those two-pieces-of-a-heart ones? I like those.

Kristen: OK, but only if it’s made out of certified organic, biodegradable, zero-calorie, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic, non-toxic, not-from-China, PETA approved materials, is labeled with a warning to not let children under 3-years-old play with it, and has earned the Better Homes and Gardens quality seal of approval. Oh, and can we get it in bright orange?

Me: I completely agree, except with the orange. How about orange and pink polka dots?

Kristen: Brilliant! You and I should go into fashion design together.

Me: From student, to blogger, to dieter, to fashion designer? Ok. Let’s do it.

Kristen: Cool! You get to pick the brand logo. I vote for pickles.

Me: How about mustard and pickles? Then the name could be “Must Pick Clothing”

Kristen: Awesome! Then we could have runway shows and all the models will wear pickle costumes with mustard hats.

Me: Ooo! Ooo! The models could ride Harleys onto the stage!

Kristen: You realize what this means, don’t you? Orange with pink polka-dots fashion lines with our pickle and mustard logo and our models wearing pickle suits and mustard hats and riding Harleys on a fashion runway. It means that we’re more than just simple fashion designers. We’re artists, man. And that means we’ll get to charge lots of money for people to buy our stuff. We’ll have to open boutiques in shopping malls and maybe even a grand shop on Rodeo Drive in BH, CA where we’ll serve lattes and Champaign to the rich and famous, who will, of course, beg to buy our clothes (but we’ll laugh at them and refuse because of their recent tabloid scandals). And we can host huge parties filled with people we don’t actually care about just so we can sit back and make fun of them as they try to impress us. Then we’ll expand into other mediums like custom oil paint pigments and lawn gnome designs. Before long, we’ll be able to run for governor and work our way up to president, and, of course, finally, achieve the status of Emperor of the World. We’re starting a revolution, my friend.¹

1. I couldn’t top this one, so I then asked if I could repost this on my blog. [«]

Posted by Saphrym | 15 Comments »