Feb
26th

I’ve Got a Product Just For You!

Filed under Satirist/Parodist | Posted by Saphrym

“When I was walking the other day I found out I could chew gum at the same time!”
And you know what? You can too!

The lawyers make me say this: Your own success is guaranteed only by the way in which you utilize this product. If you don’t use it properly, I claim no responsibility. Sorry. That’s just the way it is. Now on to the good stuff:

Hi. My name is Michael White. Let me ask you some questions:

Do you ever feel you are the butt of a joke?
Do you ever wonder how come you’re just standing there with your keys in your hand for hours on end?
Do you get stumped by simple questions like these?
Have you ever spent money on something that was truly worthless?
Have you fallen for a simple scam?

No matter how young or old you may be, I have found the perfect solution to all of your problems! That’s right! I said it! The perfect solution!

Thinking from the first day!

My product is so powerful, it’ll have you thinking from the moment you purchase it. You’ll never know how you got along without it! See, one day it just came to me. “What is it that people I’ve met in my daily life are missing? What is it that they yearn for day and night?” So I got out a pen and a sheet of paper and made a quick sketch. I’m not going to show you that sketch because I’m not much of an artist. It was a sketch of a “puppy cat” anyway and I was on the wrong track. After that sketch I started writing on the same sheet of paper. Mostly scribbles. But then it really came to me! I knew exactly what people were missing. Before going any further, here are some testimonials. I didn’t pay these people anything. I swear:

Michael’s product has been heaven sent. I just don’t understand why I never thought of this before. What he’s charging is a drop in the bucket of what it is worth! - Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Oh my goodness! Where do I start with such a wonderful product? I just can’t get over the fact that he even came up with this product! I only wish he would have sold it sooner. So many things would be different in my life. - Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Michael. Why do you keep asking me about your product over and over? - Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Ok, so now that I know I have you hooked into buying my product, I guess it’s time to tell you what it is:

My product is called a “Big Round Articulated INterlobe” or B.R.A.IN for short. With this B.R.A.IN, you’ll be able to do things you’ve never thought possible. Here are some of the features:

  • Being able to make educated decisions.
  • Being able to think for yourself.
  • Being able to notice when someone is pulling your leg in all manners of speech.
  • Being able to put letters together in such a manner that actual words are formed.

Not only can it do those things, but if you act within the next 24 hours I’ll throw in the following two (2) products that work well with the B.R.A.IN:

  1. COMa MONster SENt SEarching, or COM.MON.SEN.SE for short: This beast will find just about any misplaced thought and put it back where it belongs for you.
  2. WIShful DOMinion, or WIS.DOM for short: This is a small place out on the ocean where you can use your new B.R.A.IN to find the true meaning of the universe, or at least know how to not upset your in-laws.

So act now and receive your B.R.A.IN, COM.MON.SEN.SE, and WIS.DOM for the very low price of a nickel-ninety-five. You’ll be happy you did.

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20 Responses to “I’ve Got a Product Just For You!”

  1. By fineartathome on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    It’ll never sell in my neck of the woods. Most folks around here have to ponder ‘good morning.’

    Cheers


  2. By Saphrym on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Do you happen to live where I do? I can’t seem to sell them here. That’s why I’m trying on the Internet.


  3. By Steve v4.6 on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    I’d buy that for a dollar!


  4. By Margaret on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Go-o-o-leee Whoda ever thunk somepin like dese tings would benefit sumbudy lik me?

    I caint wait for mine to git here in da male.

    Margaret’s last blog post..Breathtaking Images and Exquisite Music Make an Unbeatable Combination


  5. By Saphrym on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Steve - Sold!

    @Margaret - That’s just rude! Quit mocking my relatives! ;)


  6. By Scott | AndroidGuys on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Somehow I just picture the end of The Wizard of Oz. “See you don’t need me because you’ve had one of these all along.”

    Scott | AndroidGuys’s last blog post..Judging a Book…


  7. By Chris C on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Awww I called and all they had left was the display model. I can’t see in color and the wisdom island won’t accept my B.R.A.I.N.’s bar code. Help, the in-laws are coming in three days!

    Chris C’s last blog post..Bloggers Speak: The Frogster from ‘Frog Bog Blog’


  8. By Saphrym on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Scott - Then you get my point. ;)

    @Chris - I’ll sell you the display model. It’s better than none at all.


  9. By StanHayes on Feb 27, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Does it have a electronic clock, cause I have trouble programming those?

    StanHayes’s last blog post..Top Fantasy Baseball Outfielders for 2008, 21-40


  10. By Sucker on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    By golly I need to get myself one of those!

    I can pay by wire transfer, please just post your bank details here. Also, will you ship it to Nigeria?

    Please inform me ASAP because I’m really hoping to get the special bonuses :D


  11. By Saphrym on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Stan - No. But I can probably get my tech guys to add it to version 2.0 later.

    @Sucker - Nope. Sorry. I only take PayPal.


  12. By StanHayes on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    I having Turnip help me install over IM. Good to go, thanks!

    StanHayes’s last blog post..My Baseball Roots


  13. By Saphrym on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Stan - Let me know how it goes. If it works for you, I could use another testimonial. Brianna is getting a little aggravated at me.


  14. By c5 on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    If this sells well, wow, imagine what that tells the world! :D
    c5’s last blog post..My Appreciation To My Host, i.ph


  15. By Saphrym on Feb 28, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @c5 - For all of those who haven’t purchased it yet, it doesn’t tell them much. ;)


  16. By Sam Freedoms Internet Marketing Controversy Blog on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Wow, I always knew something was missing but didn’t know what it was until now! Can I get a bulk price so I can give them away as gifts to all the people who stumble into my verbal tongue-lashing each day?

    Thanks for the wonderful news,

    Sam

    Sam Freedoms Internet Marketing Controversy Blog’s last blog post..Scientology and The Secret - Perils On the Way to Your First $100 Month


  17. By Saphrym on Feb 29, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Sam - Sure. You can have a bulk price. How about a penny-ninety-nine?


  18. By c5 on Mar 3, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    I’m beginning to think I need that too! :P
    c5’s last blog post..How To Wear A Bra The Action-Packed Way


  19. By Jennyjinx on Jul 24, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    Hey, I bought one of those and it seems to be defective. Do I have to pay shipping for an exchange? I’d prefer one that doesn’t forget where I put the keys.

    Thanks.

    Most recent blog post from Jennyjinx: Dear People


  20. By Saphrym on Jul 24, 2008 | Reply to this comment

    @Jennyjinx - Hmmm. Are you sure it’s not user error?


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