Greetings,

“Your item has been gently taken from our shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow. A team of 50 employees inspected your product and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing. Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your product into the finest cardboard box that money can buy. We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party is set to march down the street to the post office (72501) where the entire town of Batesville will wave “Bon Voyage!!” to your package. I hope you had a wonderful time shopping with us on Gogglesandglasses. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as “Customer Of The Year”. We’re all exhausted but can’t wait for you to come back to us soon.”

Thank you, for your business.
Gary
www.gogglesandglasses.com

Enough said, other than the prices were great too.

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1. I have never seen the Godfather movies. There. I said it. My shame is out there for the world to see. I feel so violated.
2. I love coconut. Well, at least I love the kind that is shredded, has sugar added, and is coated in chocolate. It’s my favorite kind. Tends to grow on special bushes out here in Kentucky. I’ve planted many of them in my yard. I’d show you pictures, but you’d only think they were Photoshopped.
3. I just took a sip of Diet Mountain Dew.
4. I’m thinking about how the 4 is going to show up on the left of this particular line even though I actually placed <li> at the beginning. The beauty of HTML, right?
5. I love white tigers. I think they look cool. But I hate what people are doing to them.
6. 01001001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101111 01101100 00101110
7. My first online name was Sarcastic Sim.
8. There is a ball filled with water and glitter on my desk. I pick it up and throw it in the air when I’m thinking.

So there you have it. 8 random things about me. And if you didn’t read the footnotes, you should. They were even more random, and that’s what this is all about, right? It’s now your turn, so feel free to leave a comment including them, or even a link to a post on your blog that has 8 of them already.

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As I tumbled into the warm sheets I felt that tightness in my chest. It felt odd. It felt different. But then I felt that skipping heart beat. I called my doctor the next day. I wish I hadn’t and I’m glad I did.

I was waiting quietly in a room. I’m only 35 and therefore feel like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere down the road. Everyone in the building is in their 70s or older. It felt like those dreams of being caught in your underwear walking down the hallway at school. But I waited. Patiently. It’s easy to do that when you smoke. I remember those times. When I smoked and could wait patiently. But I get ahead of myself.

I was asked to come to the back room. They attached a few cold pieces of plastic and metal to my skin. I just knew a large switch on the wall was going to be pulled soon and all of this would be over. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I walked on a treadmill for 4 minutes. Yeah. Only 4 minutes. Sheesh. There had to be something wrong. Then they took pictures of my heart. I was claustrophobic. Not anymore. I then was able to go eat and hang out until they took more pictures of my heart. But the IV had to stay in my hand. I looked like an escaped mental patient. Thank goodness I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown. Oh wait. I did. Later.

See, something was odd about that stress test. The heart doctor said I must get a heart cath done. I am told that a heart cath is where they make a hole in your nether regions and push a tube up into your heart to take some pictures of the inside. That is all I’m told. I’ve never heard of a heart cath before. Nether regions? Exactly where would this hole be? What size tube? How come I’m not allowed to eat anything for 18 hours before doing this? Are they scared I’ll relieve myself once I see what is going to happen to me? This scares me.

Then the day comes when I dress in the hospital gown, down a couple of “the good pills” and lie down on a cold metal slab only to wake up talking like a 2-year-old with a severe case of ADHD and wondering why there’s pressure on my right leg. About an hour later I wake up again, this time with purple bumblebees flying in my room and the doctor telling me I have a head like a bowling ball. 30 minutes later my wife tells me those purple bumblebees were not in existence and that the doctor actually said I had the heart of a 25-year-old. Since I’m 35, I guess that’s a good thing.

So my doctor gives me Nexium. Turns out, it was indigestion. But hey… I managed to quit smoking and gain 30 pounds. Oh, and now I really do have ADHD since I no longer have nicotine to curb it. There’s got to be a lesson in there somewhere. I just can’t find it.

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10. Staring at the ceiling and making pictures with the little dots. I found Charlie Brown a couple of days ago. However, he morphed into Arnold Schwarzenegger while looking at him, so that may have been the Nyquil. I don’t know.

9. Again, staring at something can be quite amusing. In this case I was staring at a digital frame. I had it loaded with pictures of the in-laws and pictures of farm animals. After a while the two started merging in my brain. Was rather hilarious to me.

8. Realizing you can sing much lower. Seriously, have you ever been sick and noticed your voice dropped an octave? Now you can do the Barry White solo with ease. Just don’t try in the shower ’cause the steam clears out your throat and you start sounding like a much younger Barry White. Kind of throws off the mood.

7. Reading is always a great way to pass the time when you’re sick. Of course, you might want to stay away from the fantasy and horror books. With the medicine and the delirium of a fever, you start imagining some of the stories coming true. Can be rather scary. This is one of those few times a guy is allowed to read a romance novel.

6. Write a book. Since you’re just laying there, you might as well make good use of the time. Write a book. Just realize that when you finally get well again you will not be able to read your handwriting. And if you use the “writing it in my head” method, also realize that your “sick” head and “well” head are two different things. Therefore, your “well” head won’t remember anything that your “sick” head did anyway.

5. Practice origami. I made some swans that could flap their wings, a frog that could really jump, and a boat that could really float. I also made some Chinese throwing stars and practiced throwing them at the ceiling. I even manged to hit Arnie right in the nose.

4. Silly Putty. Can’t say this enough. If you have a little plastic egg with some of this stuff in it, feel free to play with it for hours. It’s quite the stress reliever. And if you have some newspaper, you’re set. You’ll be copying comics all day and reading them backwards. Just don’t try and use it as a bouncy ball when you own a cat. It becomes fuzzy. And fuzzy Silly Putty is not a fun thing to play with at all.

3. Speaking of toys, my Rubik’s cube got plenty of use out of it. The stickers won’t stick to it anymore. So now it’s really easy to solve. All of the faces are black. Doesn’t matter how much I mix it up, it’s always solved.

2. Cell phones are fun. You can play games on them. You can make prank phone calls. However, it’s very hard to dial *67 before making a phone call with a cell phone. So prank phone calls don’t work as well when the person picks up and says “Hi Mike.”

1. The best way to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog is to build a play mountain out of the sheets and bed spread. Look around for items you can use as army men. Now just fill in the rest with your imagination. The really great thing is when your wife comes in and sees you playing like a little kid, she’ll only think you’re delirious from the medication and let you get away with it. Make sure to include plenty of >pyoo pyoo< noises when firing the imaginary guns. You won’t be able to do them any other time.

What do you like to do to keep yourself amused when you’re sick as a dog?

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Kristen: Ahhhhh, thanks. Very nice of you. I’m honored. You realize though that this makes you my best friend. I’ll buy us matching bracelets and everything. :)

Me: Cool! One of those two-pieces-of-a-heart ones? I like those. ;)

Kristen: OK, but only if it’s made out of certified organic, biodegradable, zero-calorie, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic, non-toxic, not-from-China, PETA approved materials, is labeled with a warning to not let children under 3-years-old play with it, and has earned the Better Homes and Gardens quality seal of approval. Oh, and can we get it in bright orange?

Me: I completely agree, except with the orange. How about orange and pink polka dots?

Kristen: Brilliant! You and I should go into fashion design together.

Me: From student, to blogger, to dieter, to fashion designer? Ok. Let’s do it. ;)

Kristen: Cool! You get to pick the brand logo. I vote for pickles.

Me: How about mustard and pickles? Then the name could be “Must Pick Clothing” ;)

Kristen: Awesome! Then we could have runway shows and all the models will wear pickle costumes with mustard hats.

Me: Ooo! Ooo! The models could ride Harleys onto the stage!

Kristen: You realize what this means, don’t you? Orange with pink polka-dots fashion lines with our pickle and mustard logo and our models wearing pickle suits and mustard hats and riding Harleys on a fashion runway. It means that we’re more than just simple fashion designers. We’re artists, man. And that means we’ll get to charge lots of money for people to buy our stuff. We’ll have to open boutiques in shopping malls and maybe even a grand shop on Rodeo Drive in BH, CA where we’ll serve lattes and Champagne to the rich and famous, who will, of course, beg to buy our clothes (but we’ll laugh at them and refuse because of their recent tabloid scandals). And we can host huge parties filled with people we don’t actually care about just so we can sit back and make fun of them as they try to impress us. Then we’ll expand into other mediums like custom oil paint pigments and lawn gnome designs. Before long, we’ll be able to run for governor and work our way up to president, and, of course, finally, achieve the status of Emperor of the World. We’re starting a revolution, my friend.

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And you know what? You can too!

The lawyers make me say this: Your own success is guaranteed only by the way in which you utilize this product. If you don’t use it properly, I claim no responsibility. Sorry. That’s just the way it is. Now on to the good stuff:

Hi. My name is Michael White. Let me ask you some questions:

Do you ever feel you are the butt of a joke?
Do you ever wonder how come you’re just standing there with your keys in your hand for hours on end?
Do you get stumped by simple questions like these?
Have you ever spent money on something that was truly worthless?
Have you fallen for a simple scam?

No matter how young or old you may be, I have found the perfect solution to all of your problems! That’s right! I said it! The perfect solution!

Thinking from the first day!

My product is so powerful, it’ll have you thinking from the moment you purchase it. You’ll never know how you got along without it! See, one day it just came to me. “What is it that people I’ve met in my daily life are missing? What is it that they yearn for day and night?” So I got out a pen and a sheet of paper and made a quick sketch. I’m not going to show you that sketch because I’m not much of an artist. It was a sketch of a “puppy cat” anyway and I was on the wrong track. After that sketch I started writing on the same sheet of paper. Mostly scribbles. But then it really came to me! I knew exactly what people were missing. Before going any further, here are some testimonials. I didn’t pay these people anything. I swear:

Michael’s product has been heaven sent. I just don’t understand why I never thought of this before. What he’s charging is a drop in the bucket of what it is worth! – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Oh my goodness! Where do I start with such a wonderful product? I just can’t get over the fact that he even came up with this product! I only wish he would have sold it sooner. So many things would be different in my life. – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Michael. Why do you keep asking me about your product over and over? – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Ok, so now that I know I have you hooked into buying my product, I guess it’s time to tell you what it is:

My product is called a “Big Round Articulated INterlobe” or B.R.A.IN for short. With this B.R.A.IN, you’ll be able to do things you’ve never thought possible. Here are some of the features:

• Being able to make educated decisions.
• Being able to think for yourself.
• Being able to notice when someone is pulling your leg in all manners of speech.
• Being able to put letters together in such a manner that actual words are formed.

Not only can it do those things, but if you act within the next 24 hours I’ll throw in the following two (2) products that work well with the B.R.A.IN:

1. COMa MONster SENt SEarching, or COM.MON.SEN.SE for short: This beast will find just about any misplaced thought and put it back where it belongs for you.
2. WIShful DOMinion, or WIS.DOM for short: This is a small place out on the ocean where you can use your new B.R.A.IN to find the true meaning of the universe, or at least know how to not upset your in-laws.

So act now and receive your B.R.A.IN, COM.MON.SEN.SE, and WIS.DOM for the very low price of a nickel-ninety-five. You’ll be happy you did.

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Since I’ve become an active member in the blogging community I’ve gotten to read tons of marketing blogs. They also basically spout the same information over and over so I’ve about learned it by heart. So I decided to have some fun this time. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello?”
Him: “Mr. White. I have an exciting offer to tell you about…”
Me: “Would you like to monetize your phone calls?”
Him: “I’m sorry sir?”
Me: “Monetize your phone calls. You know. Make money with your phone calls?”
Him: “Yes sir. I’m a telemarketer. Now this offer…”
Me: “Have you ever heard of Con Jow?”
Him: “Con Jow?”
Me: “Yes. He’s a well known phone call monetizer throughout the callosphere.”
Him: “The call o what?”
Me: “Nevermind. My point is that he recommends that you use Callvertiser to monetize your calls.”
Him: “Sir. I’m trying to tell you about a cruise, so let me tell you about the different stops…”
Me: “Callvertiser can benefit your calling business tremendously. Throughout your calls audio ads will interrupt and get the caller’s attention so they can buy products from you as an affiliate.”
Him: “One stop is in Cancun and the water is lov…”
Me: “Grab a pen.”
Him: “Grab a pen sir?”
Me: “Yes. Grab a pen. I want you to take down this number real quick.”
Him: “Ok sir.”
Me: “The number is 1-800-382-5968. Make sure to dial extension 3825.”
Him: “Is this your office sir?”
Me: “No, that’s my affiliate phone number to Callvertiser. You’ll learn everything you need to know about this great service there.”
Him: >click<

It was nice to be the one hung up on this time. So, next time a telemarketer calls, have a little fun. You might even start looking forward to 8 o’clock at night. I know I can’t wait. And thank you Internet marketers for the “ammo.” I appreciate it much.

And before you mention it, yes, I know there’s a list. This was more fun though.

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See, after my escapade to Wal-Mart and Lowe’s yesterday, I swore my life as a cool human was over. Well, my life as a cool human is over depending on the definition of the word. But temperature wise, I was getting worried. Ok, so the weather was supposed to be colder come Thursday, and as a reader pointed out, that’s the same day the air conditioner guys are coming. But today, it became 90 degrees in my house.

90 degrees. Did I mention I love the heat? Parts of my house still are 90 degrees. But not where I’m sitting. See, a friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. I’ll repeat that: A friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. Now, not being from around here, I never thought to call a taxi company for an air conditioner. For a taxi maybe. Not an air conditioner. Well, they had one. A 6000 BTU air conditioner less than 26 inches wide that could fit in my storm window and provide a layer of coolness that the pet rock could never have provided. Even has a remote, which is nifty and all, but I doubt that sucker is going to be used at the moment as I want the air conditioner to stay on.

So right now I’m typing on my daughter’s laptop because it’s still 90 degrees in my bedroom where my computer is. But in here, with a blanket covering the archway, it’s about 75 degrees and dropping. There’s a fan behind me. I am in true bliss at this moment.

However, in about 5 minutes I’m going to have to go to the bathroom, and my daughter decided to use hot water when she took a shower earlier. If I don’t suffocate from the heat, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Moral of the story? When you need an air conditioner, don’t go to Wal-Mart who carries heaters in 90 degree weather. Go to your local taxi company. They are much smarter about such things.

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So, we decided to go look for some window units. My daughter, wife, and I put our shoes on. We have those neat little rubber shoes with holes in them. I can’t remember what they’re called, but they have good arch support and work like sandals. This is good for me as my feet like to sweat a lot. Anyway, we load up into my best friend’s Cadillac because our van is not working very well and we’ve been borrowing his car. We borrowed his car for two reasons: 1. To not have to keep filling our van with power steering fluid. 2. For air conditioning because that’s also broke on our van. However, while borrowing it, his air conditioner stopped working also, so in 90 degree weather, we’re off to the stores. I love heat.

We pull up to Wal-Mart and practically run inside. However, my feet decided to sweat anyway, and for some reason feet don’t like to stay still on wet rubber. It’s quite slick. So, I’ll correct that, we STUMBLED inside of Wal-Mart. We head to the area where the fans and air conditioners are, and in their place, as determined by the marketing genius of the Wal-Mart corporation, are heaters. Little heaters. Big heaters. Skinny heaters. Heaters with remote controls. Heaters that use propane. Heaters that use electricity. If I was in the market for a heater, they’d have it. I ask someone where the air conditioners and fans are. “We don’t have any. But we have Christmas trees on sale.” I hope he was kidding. I love the heat.

We stumble back to the car, footprints of sweat trailing us, and head to Lowe’s. It’s only a block away. “They’ll have air conditioners. They’re Lowe’s. They’re big. They carry more of stuff like that.” At this point I’m wearing a shirt that is purely made of salt water molecules. It has transformed. I’ll call it my “ocean shirt.” So, we walk in and the air conditioner there creates an “iceberg shirt.” I’m now happy. I’m going to get an air conditioner. I walk to where the air conditioners are, and guess what I find? Heaters. Little ones. Big ones. Skinny ones. You know the drill. Of course, an aisle away are Christmas trees. I find someone and ask him where the air conditioners are. “We don’t have any. Want a tree?” I love heat.

So now, I sit at the computer in my renewed “ocean shirt” waiting for Thursday to come. That’s when the air conditioner guys come to fix ours. If they offer me a tree, I’m buying a rifle.

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Following on the success of World of Warcraft and the Wii, a small developing firm in Nitlun, Colorado decided to create a new breed of Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) game. This groundbreaking technology is the core of Jimtree Dev Inc.’s mission statement to provide entertainment for the masses no matter education levels or age.

Leigh “Zee” Gaimer, the head of the development team, terms the technology “OneBut.” “OneBut gives players the capability of playing a game using only one button.” She smiles as she says this. “We’ve watched how World of Warcraft has risen to millions of subscribers and feel it’s based off of the ease of use of the system they employ.” Gaimer goes on to mention that the entire gameplay mechanics rests solely on the pressing of one button. “We’re very proud of this system. The player can even choose which button they want to use, whether it’s the ‘5? key or the ‘End’ key on their keyboard, it’s their choice.”

The game will be set in both a technological and fantastical world. Magic and technology coexist to create a world that bends genres so that anyone can appreciate the stories told within it. “We wanted to make sure we could reach the broadest audience possible. Even the art direction is mosaic-like with it’s incorporation of anime, North American comic book, and a dash of Divinci thrown in for the older crowd.” Gaimer insists that although they are relying on the “OneBut” system to increase their overall sales and subscriptions of the game, story and eye candy are still very important to them. “As a matter of fact, we have Stephen King, Terry Brooks, and J.K. Rowling writing the stories and some really good art people designing the look and feel. This game is next generation and will require next generation technology to handle it.”

Gaimer was reluctant to comment much on the “OneBut” system since the game wouldn’t launch for another few months, but she was willing to say this: “The OneBut system will allow you to move, attack, cast spells, chat, craft and do many other tasks all with just one button.” She gave us a small demonstration of the system showing that pressing the button would bring up a list of options for chat because it knew she wanted to chat. These options were “Pwned!”, “That was gay!”, “You’re gay!”, “kk”, “l8rs”, and finally “@#$%”. The system then correctly guessed which one of these she would choose, so when she pressed the button it instantly put “That was gay!” in the chat box and sent it into the channel. “The system has an advanced artificial intelligence,” is all Gaimer would say as she flashed a wicked grin.

The game, untitled as of yet, is slated for a release in Fall of next year. Jimtree Dev Inc. is expecting profits in the ten-figure range. Considering the target audience of the game, they will likely reach those estimates within the first year after launch.

Keep your eyes and ears open for this exciting new technology and what it may mean for the future of gaming.

(NOTICE: “World of Warcraft” is the property of Blizzard. “Wii” is the property of Nintendo. Names of people and places are fictional. This satire/parody has been brought to you by Saphrym.com and written by Michael White. Feel free to copy and paste it anywhere as long as you keep this notice included. Original article location: http://saphrym.com/humor/one-button-mmo-worth-billions/)

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