This blog used to have a lot of dieting posts on it and then I lost 100 pounds, got depressed and gained back 130 pounds. I'm in the process of getting back in shape again. But at the age of 45, it's much tougher than it was when I was in my 30s.

The January Change

Recently, I changed my eating habits. January 3rd, I went from being bad about eating to eating 150 carbs per day, 3 meals, and fasting for 16 hours. So I'd eat breakfast at 11am, then lunch at 2pm, and finally dinner at 6 pm. For those of you who already know the intermittent fasting concept, you'll notice that I actually did 17 hours of fasting because eating is when you start eating, not when you finish. So that's a 7 hour window of eating and 17 hours of fasting. For more info on intermittent fasting, see this video:

As for the food I eat, I eat 4 scrambled eggs for breakfast (practically no carbs), 2 sandwiches and a side for lunch (around 60-70 carbs), and whatever we have for dinner, but limited to 60-70 grams of carbs.

For fluids, I drink 64oz of green tea sweetened with 1/8th teaspoon of Stevia powder.

The February Change

But all of that changes again on Monday. Not a tremendous difference, but enough to cause real change. See, I've hit a plateau with my weight. I'm stuck at 347-349lbs. I was 362 when I started on January 3rd, so I've lost some weight. I also do some small weight lifting (working into larger weights) and have gained muscle, but I want to burn this fat off. So here are the changes I will start on Monday:

• I'm combining breakfast and lunch. I'll be having the scrambled eggs as sandwiches with a banana on the side. Eggs are nature's perfect food, basically. And I need a bit more potassium in my diet for many reasons.
• I'm adding a tablespoon of nutritional yeast to my scrambled eggs. They are VERY high in the different vitamin Bs and are easier for your system to absorb than a pill. The vitamin Bs are very important for metabolism and quite a few other things and I don't get nearly enough.
• I'll be eating at 1pm for breakfast and 6pm for dinner. So that takes me to 19 hours of fasting and a 5 hour window. See the above video for why.
• I'm adding 2 tablespoons of apple cidar vinegar to my green tea. Apple cidar vinegar is great for many things. It helps clean up bad proteins, clears up issues caused by a high alkaline body, etc. I've used it in the past to combat tooth infections and it worked amazingly. So I figured it's about time to put it back in my diet.
• I am also going to work towards waking up a bit earlier and getting some exercise in during the later hours of the fast versus after eating like I've been doing. It's always better to exercise in the morning, and currently I wake up about 15 minutes before work, since I work from home. I need to break that habit.

Conclusion

Those are the main changes. I'm hoping this helps me with the plateau I'm on. Once I'm used to it, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to make another change and move my eating time to 2pm, which will put me at 20 hours of fasting and 4 hours for an eating window. That should be the optimum to get the weight off. We shall see how it goes and find out if the intermittent fasting concept really works. It has so far as I've dropped from a fasting blood sugar of around 300 to around a 110 and have managed to stop taking insulin and I've lost 15 pounds in about a month.

If you'd like to keep up with how I'm doing, I post my weight and blood sugar levels on Twitter on a regular basis.

Hopefully this post has given you some ideas if you're struggling with blood sugar and weight issues like I am, but before you make any major changes like this, please consult your doctor. I have let mine know everything I'm doing every step of the way and we're keeping an eye on my blood work.

I recently did something that felt weird. I posted a tweet that said “You are beautiful!” I didn’t target it to anyone. I just let it fly, and considering my tweets get “automagically” posted in other places, it went all over.

Why do I say it felt weird? Because it’s a very odd feeling to say that to perfect strangers. I knew it was going to be read by people who didn’t know me. I knew it might be an odd experience for them. But the thing is, although it was a weird experience, it felt good!

Everyone who responded loved it. And so I did it a second time and it felt just as good.

So why this post? Why is this post going to get shared all over Twitter very soon? Because I think people need to tell others how amazing they are. The world is full of hate, especially the anonymous Internet. This is a simple way to tell others how amazing they are, make them smile, and add a little joy to their lives.

So this is what I want you to do: Tweet out the title of this post. I’m making it easy for you to do below. And I’m serving up two flavors: one with a link to this post and one without so you can choose.

With a link to this post:

You are an amazing human being! #yaaahb http://saph.link/yaaahb

Tweet This

Without a link to this post:

You are an amazing human being! #yaaahb

Tweet This

And you don’t have to make it to everyone either. Feel free to tell even a single person how much of an amazing human being they are:

My mentor and friend, @purplementat, is such an awesome person! He knows why. I just wanted to say it out loud. #yaaahb

— Saphrym (@Saphrym) February 4, 2016

Just add the #yaaahb tag so we know how far the message is reaching. Here’s an easy way for you to do so:

YOUR MESSAGE HERE #yaaahb

Tweet This

Here’s an image you can use anywhere. Feel free to edit it any way you want or even make your own:

Pass on the message. Make a stranger’s day. Let everyone know they are amazing human beings!

Check this link to see far the message is spreading: Twitter Search for #yaaahb

It’s been almost exactly a year since last time I posted on this site. I apologize for that. A lot has happened in the last year that has kept me busy. For instance, I am the Chief Minion (Yes that is my actual title.) for PurpleMentat, a YouTuber I loved to watch and now work for. My nephews have also moved in with us. So there are six people living in the house now. And I’ve also decided to start creating content again.
PurpleMentat was the first person to offer me a job in the last few years. I’ve applied to many places. But now… I couldn’t have a better boss. He’s a great guy. He makes great videos. And I enjoy hanging out with his community every day.
My nephews were not in the best place. Their lives have been rather hectic and unhealthy. So we managed to get them here with us. They are happy and working towards a better education.
As for the last piece of news, I’m going to be creating my own YouTube videos. I also have a fictional blog that should be launched very soon. I’m quite excited to show it off. It’s been in the works for years. I’m also having a lot of fun learning the various Adobe creative tools since my wife is now a teacher and we have an educational subscription giving us access to ALL of them.(I'm in creator heaven.) So expect a few random things to come out of my experiments with the software. For instance, I just learned a bit about Adobe Audition, an audio editing program, and the result of a recent goofy moment is here:

I almost forgot. I also started a Patreon campaign. I would love for you to check it out.
And one other thing: Come chat with me in my Discord channel. I’d love to hang out with you.
Saph looks around the site and smiles.
“It’s good to be home.”

You know. I turned 40 almost 5 hours ago. I’d love to be able to write something profound. My 40 years of experience had to create some kind of grand view of life, right? Not really. Things are much the way they were when I was a “young’un.”

I still need to respect my elders, there’s just less of them.

I remember doing terribly unintelligent and sophomoric things when a large group of us got together. It still happens. The name just changed from “clique” or “gang” to “congress” and/or “congregation.”

I still shouldn’t eat cake before dinner, or at all.

I still play games, although the substance of those games has changed dramatically over the years. It started with Hungry Hippo, switched to Relationship Bingo, and is now Guess Which Body Part Hurts.

Speaking of games, I still have to give pedestrians the right of way, no matter how many points they may be worth.

That daily Flintstone vitamin I chewed on because it tasted like candy is still around. The one I take is no longer chewable and it’s accompanied by various other pills based on those hurting body parts.

My brain is still the same but reversed; My words have gotten longer and my memory shorter.

People still hurt each other for no good reason. “Slenderman” is not a reason, much less a good one. And if you don’t get the reference, imagine killing in the name of Santa to make sure he brings you the gift you want for Christmas. Although, there are certain gifts… um… nevermind.

Sticking a hairpin in an electrical socket is still bad for everyone involved. Don’t do it.

See? Nothing truly profound. Just a lot of the same stuff. Turning 40 is just like turning 30, or maybe 21. Ok, maybe not JUST like turning 21. That’s pushing it a little.

So while being stuck in bed because you’ve got the flu, or your foot was operated on, there are always ways of amusing yourself. Some are rather obvious, like taking cold medicine. That’s always an enjoyable experience, right?1 Here’s a few of the less obvious2 ways to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog:

10. Staring at the ceiling and making pictures with the little dots. I found Charlie Brown a couple of days ago. However, he morphed into Arnold Schwarzenegger while looking at him, so that may have been the Nyquil. I don’t know.

9. Again, staring at something can be quite amusing. In this case I was staring at a digital frame. I had it loaded with pictures of the in-laws and pictures of farm animals. After a while the two started merging in my brain. Was rather hilarious to me.

8. Realizing you can sing much lower. Seriously, have you ever been sick and noticed your voice dropped an octave? Now you can do the Barry White solo with ease. Just don’t try in the shower ’cause the steam clears out your throat and you start sounding more normal. Kind of throws off the mood.

7. Reading is always a great way to pass the time when you’re sick. Of course, you might want to stay away from the fantasy and horror books. With the medicine and the delirium of a fever, you start imagining some of the stories coming true. Can be rather scary. This is one of those few times a guy is allowed to read a romance novel.3

6. Write a book. Since you’re just laying there, you might as well make good use of the time. Write a book. Just realize that when you finally get well again you will not be able to read your handwriting. And if you use the “writing it in my head” method, also realize that your “sick” head and “well” head are two different things. Therefore, your “well” head won’t remember anything that your “sick” head did anyway.

5. Practice origami. I made some swans that could flap their wings, a frog that could really jump, and a boat that could really float. I also made some Chinese throwing stars and practiced throwing them at the ceiling. I even manged to hit Arnie right in the nose.

4. Silly Putty. Can’t say this enough. If you have a little plastic egg with some of this stuff in it, feel free to play with it for hours. It’s quite the stress reliever. And if you have some newspaper, you’re set. You’ll be copying comics all day and reading them backwards. Just don’t try and use it as a bouncy ball when you have a furry pet. It becomes fuzzy. And fuzzy Silly Putty is not a fun thing to play with at all.

3. Speaking of toys, my Rubik’s cube got plenty of use out of it. The stickers won’t stick to it anymore. So now it’s really easy to solve. All of the faces are black. Doesn’t matter how much I mix it up, it’s always solved.

2. Cell phones are fun. You can play games on them. You can make prank phone calls. However, it’s very hard to dial *67 before making a phone call with a cell phone. So prank phone calls don’t work as well when the person picks up and says “Hi Mike.”

1. The best way to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog is to build a play mountain out of the sheets and bed spread. Look around for items you can use as army men. Now just fill in the rest with your imagination. The really great thing is when your wife comes in and sees you playing like a little kid, she’ll only think you’re delirious from the medication and let you get away with it. Make sure to include plenty of >pyoo pyoo< noises when firing the imaginary guns. You won’t be able to do them any other time.

What do you like to do to keep yourself amused when you’re sick as a dog?

1. Notice the sarcasm. [↩]
2. Yes. I know video games exist. I play them often. But notice the operative words there are “less obvious” [↩]
3. And yes, I know this one breaks the rule of being less obvious. I wrote the rules though. [↩]

Turn signals are a wonderful invention. They let people know when a driver is going to make a turn. They also let drivers know when a lane change will be taking place. Turn signals only work if the other drivers know how to use them.

Reason #1: A gray Chrysler LeBaron is moving along in front of me. The right turn signal on it is winking at me in a sickly red color. I prepare to stop for when the old vehicle decides to make the right turn. That decision seems to take a while, because even after seventeen available roads on the right, the car has decided the only reason it is winking is to try to secure a date with my own, much younger, Chrysler PT Cruiser. Turn signals only work if people actually turn when they are on.

Reason #2: A black Ford Mustang is blazing towards the corner on my left. It’s right turn signal is blinking to let me know I can pull out and make the right hand turn I would like to make as the Mustang will be turning into the lane to my left. As I start to pull out, the Mustang blazes once again, but this time it is its very loud and angry horn. The Mustang does not turn. It continues along the path I was about to take. Again, turn signals only work if people actually turn when they are on.

Reason #3: A line of three nondescript vehicles are congregating on the corner to my left. I want to go forward. I don’t know if they are in a book club together or perhaps they just want to share cups of tea at the same place, but all three vehicles decide to turn right. All three have smiling faces and bubbly attitudes as they pass me. Just as they do, a long line of cars come from the right and block my attempt to move forward. Turn signals only work if people actually turn them on when they are about to turn.

The LeBaron, Mustang, and bubbly vehicles have now caused me to fear turn signals. I can never trust them whether they are blinking or not. If you start seeing large holes in tail lights of passing vehicles, you now know that I have started my personal vendetta against the turn signals of the world. They shall never fool me again!

Alzheimer’s disease is a disorder that is associated with progressive dementia that ultimately terminates in death.  What would it be like to lose many if not all of your memories?  If you had to rely on notes to yourself to remind you of who you are and what you are about as a person, what would you write down?

I have a hard time with certain memories as it is now. Names and dates tend to leave my brain almost instantly. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast. My short-term memory is just really bad. I’ve learned a lot to help it by using numbers as they are the only thing I’m good at remembering. But if I lost all of my memories and basically had to read a diary every morning, here are a few things I might put in there:

“Your name is Michael.

You have a wife named Angela and a daughter named Nicole.

Your wife is that lovely woman you see on your phone when you press the button. Your daughter is the girl next to her.

Your wife is a very loving person. She is kind. She works too hard but she does a good job at anything she puts her mind to.

Your daughter likes to whine now, but hopefully that’ll go away one day. If she’s not doing it the next time you see her, make sure to tell her she’s doing a good job. Otherwise, she is very smart. So be careful about anything she asks. She might be trying to get away with something.

The four animals belong to your family. The black cat is Sega. She likes to lay on you at night. The big black dog is Solitaire. She likes to lick faces and play volleyball with balloons. The pug is Sora. She’s your wife’s dog. And the rat, I mean little dog, is Sony. He’s your best bud. Make sure to let him get in your arms and say hi or else he’ll bark at you all day.

You are a writer. On the computer is a file your wife will point out to you. Read it. And then add to it. You’ll be able to once you’re caught up. Just don’t forget to not try to make it into a novel. You’ll have a hard time catching up tomorrow. Just sell the short stories.

Also, if it is Monday or Wednesday, you’re going to have company at 4:30pm. You mentor a few boys. Your job is only to play games with them and help them with their school work. Don’t worry. You’ll like them.

Before bed, make sure to add anything else to this you might want to remember. But keep it short. Thanks!”

I am my family. That’s why I listed them first.

(This question was posted to my college forums and this was my answer. I decided to share with you guys. What would your answer be?)

Have you ever woke up and realized you’ve lost hope? Have you ever woke up and realized there was a stone wall around your soul keeping everything good and pure out and opening only for the legions of dark thoughts that fly around looking to corrupt you? Have you ever woke up and looked at yourself in the mirror and saw a creature that your darkest nightmares would be afraid of? Have you ever woke up with black fire surrounding you, burning
into your spirit, leaving scars and black ash?

Have you ever woke up and realized you wanted to scream? Have you ever wanted to scream at those that have helped you lose hope? Have you ever wanted to scream at those individuals that have crafted those dark thoughts and helped you put up those walls? Have you ever wanted to scream a guttural cry at the creature in the mirror? Have you ever wanted to scream at the black fire that burns?

Have you ever wanted to scream knowing that if you did so, those dark thoughts, black fire, creature in the mirror, and every other dark and cruel thing in your life would suddenly seem tiny and unnecessary? Have you ever screamed and felt the the light fill your hollow soul? Have you ever screamed at the world that constantly puts obstacles in your way? Have you ever screamed at the person who broke your heart? Have you ever screamed at the wall in your way? Have you ever screamed at those who doubt you? Have you ever screamed at those who say you are worthless? Have you ever screamed at those who whisper behind you? Have you ever just screamed a release?

This. This is my scream. This is my return to life. This is me screaming that I will be a husband to my bride. This is me screaming that I will be a father to my child. This is me screaming that I will succeed. This is me waking up and not liking what I see and screaming the darkness away, watching it tremble in the light. This is me… being me.

Quite a few things have happened in my life in just the last couple of days. Well, ok. Only one thing. But it’s composed of many little things. I got a new job. I am now a teacher at a high school about an hour away. Great, right? Yep. A dream of mine. I am overly ecstatic and I’m not being sarcastic. However, after I got the job, following are the things that have happened to me:

1. I go to the school for an interview. I guess I ace the interview because not long after I leave, I get a call that they want me to substitute teach for the position until the end of the week to make sure we were a fit for each other. I get happy. I drive back to the school to get paperwork done. I’m told, “See you tomorrow,” and sent on my way. I’m still happy but I begin to realize I just took a job that will test me by fire. I start freaking. A little.
2. I pick up the family along the way home. We walk in the door. The house smells like rotten eggs. “Gas,” I think. I freak again. I call the gas company. They check around. They test. No gas leak. Was coming from somewhere else. I stop freaking until I remember the job.
3. I go to bed and wake up. There’s ice on the roads. They’re salting them so it will ok. I take a shower and get ready for work. I head out. Car slides backwards. I freak. I call the school and tell them the situation. They understand and ask me to come when the roads are clear. I stop freaking until I remember I’m still going to the job. Seniors. They have teeth.
4. The roads clear because the sun comes out. I get happy. I start driving to work. In front of me are a few cars that decide that 35 is the new 55. I snail my way to work about an hour later than expected. I freak again because they really wanted me to be there for at least one certain class. I walk in and it’s the end of that class, but enough time to introduce me to them. I stop freaking until I realize the seniors are my next class. I mentioned seniors have teeth, right?

And that was my last 24 hours. I had amazingly good luck getting the job. The other was bad luck. No. I mean really bad luck. Or so I thought. But then I remembered Haiti.

Update 3/19/2011: The job fell through a long time ago. Forgot to update this. And my mention of Haiti was because of how bad they had it at the time. If this post was written today it would say Japan instead.

It begins with that tight feeling in your chest. That feeling that makes you hope you’ve only trapped some carbon dioxide a little bit below your throat. It makes you hope that it’s nothing but indigestion. It makes you hope. But it also scares the crap out of you when you touch your neck and find that your heartbeat is skipping.

As I tumbled into the warm sheets I felt that tightness in my chest. It felt odd. It felt different. But then I felt that skipping heart beat. I called my doctor the next day. I wish I hadn’t and I’m glad I did.

I was waiting quietly in a room. I’m only 35 and therefore feel like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere down the road. Everyone in the building is in their 70s or older. It felt like those dreams of being caught in your underwear walking down the hallway at school. But I waited. Patiently. It’s easy to do that when you smoke. I remember those times. When I smoked and could wait patiently. But I get ahead of myself.

I was asked to come to the back room. They attached a few cold pieces of plastic and metal to my skin. I just knew a large switch on the wall was going to be pulled soon and all of this would be over. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I walked on a treadmill for 4 minutes. Yeah. Only 4 minutes. Sheesh. There had to be something wrong. Then they took pictures of my heart. I was claustrophobic. Not anymore. I then was able to go eat and hang out until they took more pictures of my heart. But the IV had to stay in my hand. I looked like an escaped mental patient. Thank goodness I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown. Oh wait. I did. Later.

See, something was odd about that stress test. The heart doctor said I must get a heart cath done. I am told that a heart cath is where they make a hole in your nether regions and push a tube up into your heart to take some pictures of the inside. That is all I’m told. I’ve never heard of a heart cath before. Nether regions? Exactly where would this hole be? What size tube? How come I’m not allowed to eat anything for 18 hours before doing this? Are they scared I’ll relieve myself once I see what is going to happen to me? This scares me.

Then the day comes when I dress in the hospital gown, down a couple of “the good pills” and lie down on a cold metal slab only to wake up talking like a 2-year-old with a severe case of ADHD and wondering why there’s pressure on my right leg. About an hour later I wake up again, this time with purple bumblebees flying in my room and the doctor telling me I have a head like a bowling ball. 30 minutes later my wife tells me those purple bumblebees were not in existence and that the doctor actually said I had the heart of a 25-year-old. Since I’m 35, I guess that’s a good thing.

So my doctor gives me Nexium. Turns out, it was indigestion. But hey… I managed to quit smoking and gain 30 pounds. Oh, and now I really do have ADHD since I no longer have nicotine to curb it. There’s got to be a lesson in there somewhere. I just can’t find it.

This is in response to a question from Queue:

If everyone on the planet stopped existing but you, but the world, in it’s current state, was left exactly the same, what would you do?

Well, the logical part of my brain has to look at this multiple ways:

• Electricity and running water would only be around for a couple of days, if that, as no one would be running the power plants. So generators and things like solar panels would be the only option for electricity. Bottled water would be the only option for drinking water.
• The world’s wealth would be at my disposal, however I don’t know how to fly a plane or sail a boat. So I’d be landlocked and stuck in the American continents.
• I have no outdoor survival skills, so I’d also have to make do in the cities. But since that is the only source of easily gotten food, that’s perfectly okay1.
• With no other computers having electricity, all communications would be gone. No Internet. No phone. But of course, no people, so I guess that doesn’t matter.
• And another problem: I would have no idea that the world is empty. Can’t communicate to find it out.

But that’s my logical mind. My logical mind pales in comparison to my emotional one. I am human after all. So I’ll answer that part with a narrative:

I wake up to an empty bed. However, this is a normal occurrence, as my wife always gets up before I do. That’s how we get our time to ourselves. She goes to bed before I do and wakes up before I do. So we always have about two hours on our own. I pick up my phone to check my e-mail, a normal part of my routine, but there’s no signal.

“That’s odd. Will have to see if she gets a signal. If not, I’ll call customer service,” I think.

I plant my feet on the floor and stretch. My eyes slowly start focusing on the rest of the room. It’s quiet.

“The fan’s not on. Electricity must be out.”

I head to the bathroom. I walk out and head to the computer room where my wife should be. She’s not there.

“Hmmm. Must be outside. Oh, wait. Electricity is out. That explains it.”

I head outside with a smile on my face as I imagine my morning kiss. She’s not there. I look around. The van is not gone. I go back inside and head over to my daughter’s room. Maybe she’ll know where mommy is. She’s not there either. Her room is alone just as I am. I can’t call to find out where they are so I wait.

I wait some more. I grab a book and start reading.

An hour later they are still not here. I’m worried.

“If the van is not gone, where did they go?”

I get in the van and drive to my friend’s house. He’s always home at this time of the morning. The city feels alone. His house looks just as dead. No answer.

“Hmmm.”

I drive back home and look around. I notice that there are no cars or people around the road. I get more worried.

It’s a week later. I haven’t eaten. I can’t. The heartache is killing me. I’ve only drank some water I stole from Wal-Mart. Don’t know if it could be called stealing though. There’s no one here to complain.

It’s another week later. I’m sitting on the couch staring at the television. It’s off. But I’m yelling at it.

“What did you do with them?!”

God’s not answering.

It’s another week later. I’m sitting on the end of the bed.

“I’ve lost more weight.”

I smile at that thought and then pull the trigger.

Is that exactly how it will happen? I don’t know. Will I go crazy and kill myself? I don’t know. But it is a possibility. Lack of human companionship is deadly, no matter what material goods you have at your disposal.

1. I’m talking about canned goods and other foods that would last a long time without a refrigerator [↩]

I remember that day when we found out we were pregnant. My wife’s face began shining with light from her heart. Our thoughts instantly went to diapers, cribs, blankets, etc. But after the consumer in us finally gave in to the parents in us, we began thinking again of the child. A girl or a boy? Did it matter? No. It didn’t. We were going to have a child. A wonderful, beautiful gift. We had been married and trying for about 3 or 4 years. This news made those years worth the wait.

Then she was born.

Wait. I’m getting ahead of myself here. She wasn’t born instantly as we all know. She began as a mood in my wife. Guys with kids know that mood. It’s that swinging mood that punches us in the face or kisses us behind the ear. Then it was the craving mood. Ice cream and pickles? I hear people mention that one every once in a while. Sorry guys. It’s normally much weirder than that. I’m not going to describe the combination of food that my wife craved because if you’ve just eaten your food won’t stay in your stomach.

Finally, I got used to the moods. But the moods were easy compared to the days in the hospital. Those days when your wife is screaming as if the child is ripping through her very heart on the way out. She’s screaming in such a manner that you’d do anything to take the pain away. So then the other screaming starts. The screaming that comes form the husband to the nurses to get his wife some darn pain medication. Then there’s the scream of the husband as his hands get crushed by his wife. And finally, there’s the scream of the child.

It’s a beautiful sound. Or so I’m told. They took her in the delivery room while I was outside talking to my mother. “Oh, it’ll be another 20 minutes Mr. White.” “Ooops. Sorry. She was ready in 5.” Thank you very much Ms. Nurse.

But then I saw her. My daughter. And I fell in love for the second time in my life.

This is the true story of the storm that attacked Louisiana as seen from my eyes and the way I remember it.

I sat in a chair facing the open door to my house staring at our van parked in the driveway. Just three days before, I had been watching mechanics use their tools on the van. The impact wrenches sounded like they were jack hammering holes into my van. But this… this was different. This was five or six limbs laying on the top of my van. Not little limbs that would break off during a normal storm, but thick limbs from the trees that surrounded our house.

The sky was a scary shade of gray with very small amounts of natural light allowing me to see it. The power was off on our street, so no safe, secure artificial light to block the true horror of that sky. The rain was not falling nearly as much as I thought it would be. This was a hurricane. “Where’s the water?” I asked myself. It’s not like we needed it. The wind was a fear unto itself. Trees in the distance bent over as if to tie their shoes. I listened as one very large tree cracked across the street. I watched as it fell on the power line behind the house directly in my sight. The boom made my chair vibrate.

“So this is a hurricane?” I had always wanted to see one for myself. Guess it was my curiosity. But now, I never wanted to see one again. Another tree fell. The next thought was my daughter. She was in the top bunk of her bunk bed, close to the ceiling. I imagined a tree falling and going through our roof to hurt her. I got up out of my chair and rushed into the room to have her move into our bedroom with my wife. After she quickly fell back asleep, I headed back to the door. Katrina was calling me, wanting to show me her strength, wanting me to bow to her power. I couldn’t help myself. I obliged her every whim.

>BOOM<

Another tree had fallen. This one was much closer, but I couldn’t see where it fell. I raced to the back door to look out. There it was. A pine tree. It had been beaten by the angry woman and was lying still about two meters from the back of our house. It’s bark was being ripped away by the harsh winds. I could almost hear it scream as it was being skinned alive.

>BOOM<

This one didn’t land in the back yard. So again, I rushed to the other side of the house. Lying there in front, about the same distance as the one in the back, was another victim of the storm. This one was oak. The wind forced it to lift its shallow roots out of the ground. But it would live for a while longer. Its roots would not go thirsty because the rain began to fall harder…

Have you ever just had an awesome random conversation? Whether in person or by e-mail, these can be quite fun. I’ve had them happen in the past, but recently, it happened again and I really wanted to share it with you guys. Kristen from Kristen’s Guide is the person I had this particular conversation with. I featured one of her posts in one of my old blog posts and the conversation can be found below. Try starting one of your own. They can be very fun and really bring out the creativity in you. Without further ado, here’s the conversation between me and Kristen:

Kristen: Ahhhhh, thanks. Very nice of you. I’m honored. You realize though that this makes you my best friend. I’ll buy us matching bracelets and everything. :)

Me: Cool! One of those two-pieces-of-a-heart ones? I like those. ;)

Kristen: OK, but only if it’s made out of certified organic, biodegradable, zero-calorie, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic, non-toxic, not-from-China, PETA approved materials, is labeled with a warning to not let children under 3-years-old play with it, and has earned the Better Homes and Gardens quality seal of approval. Oh, and can we get it in bright orange?

Me: I completely agree, except with the orange. How about orange and pink polka dots?

Kristen: Brilliant! You and I should go into fashion design together.

Me: From student, to blogger, to dieter, to fashion designer? Ok. Let’s do it. ;)

Kristen: Cool! You get to pick the brand logo. I vote for pickles.

Me: How about mustard and pickles? Then the name could be “Must Pick Clothing” ;)

Kristen: Awesome! Then we could have runway shows and all the models will wear pickle costumes with mustard hats.

Me: Ooo! Ooo! The models could ride Harleys onto the stage!

Kristen: You realize what this means, don’t you? Orange with pink polka-dots fashion lines with our pickle and mustard logo and our models wearing pickle suits and mustard hats and riding Harleys on a fashion runway. It means that we’re more than just simple fashion designers. We’re artists, man. And that means we’ll get to charge lots of money for people to buy our stuff. We’ll have to open boutiques in shopping malls and maybe even a grand shop on Rodeo Drive in BH, CA where we’ll serve lattes and Champagne to the rich and famous, who will, of course, beg to buy our clothes (but we’ll laugh at them and refuse because of their recent tabloid scandals). And we can host huge parties filled with people we don’t actually care about just so we can sit back and make fun of them as they try to impress us. Then we’ll expand into other mediums like custom oil paint pigments and lawn gnome designs. Before long, we’ll be able to run for governor and work our way up to president, and, of course, finally, achieve the status of Emperor of the World. We’re starting a revolution, my friend.1

1. I couldn’t top this one, so I then asked if I could repost this on my blog. [↩]

So I’m sitting there with my family and just like clockwork when the clock chimed 8 o’clock, the phone rang. You probably get these calls too. They begin something like this: “Mr. White. I have an exciting offer to tell you about…” And they usually end quick enough like this: >click<. Do you just hang up on them too? I always have. Until recently.

Since I’ve become an active member in the blogging community I’ve gotten to read tons of marketing blogs. They also basically spout the same information over and over so I’ve about learned it by heart. So I decided to have some fun this time. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello?”
Him: “Mr. White. I have an exciting offer to tell you about…”
Me: “Would you like to monetize your phone calls?”
Him: “I’m sorry sir?”
Me: “Monetize your phone calls. You know. Make money with your phone calls?”
Him: “Yes sir. I’m a telemarketer. Now this offer…”
Me: “Have you ever heard of Con Jow?”
Him: “Con Jow?”
Me: “Yes. He’s a well known phone call monetizer throughout the callosphere.”
Him: “The call o what?”
Me: “Nevermind. My point is that he recommends that you use Callvertiser to monetize your calls.”
Him: “Sir. I’m trying to tell you about a cruise, so let me tell you about the different stops…”
Me: “Callvertiser can benefit your calling business tremendously. Throughout your calls audio ads will interrupt and get the caller’s attention so they can buy products from you as an affiliate.”
Him: “One stop is in Cancun and the water is lov…”
Me: “Grab a pen.”
Him: “Grab a pen sir?”
Me: “Yes. Grab a pen. I want you to take down this number real quick.”
Him: “Ok sir.”
Me: “The number is 1-800-382-5968. Make sure to dial extension 3825.”
Him: “Is this your office sir?”
Me: “No, that’s my affiliate phone number to Callvertiser. You’ll learn everything you need to know about this great service there.”
Him: >click<

It was nice to be the one hung up on this time. So, next time a telemarketer calls, have a little fun. You might even start looking forward to 8 o’clock at night. I know I can’t wait. And thank you Internet marketers for the “ammo.” I appreciate it much.

And before you mention it, yes, I know there’s a list. This was more fun though.