Approximately (enter arbitrary number here, from this point forth, known as ZETA)+1 years ago, an executive of GrimCo Incorporated (name withheld for safety. Mine, not his. He threatened to sue, draw, and quarter me if I even mentioned his last name of... darn it! See what you almost made me do?!), after having a night full of debauchery with a room full of people and a few chinchillas, came up with a brilliant idea: Confetti Nuclear Missiles. These missiles would blow up an entire countryside, but leave behind shiny confetti to make the entire affair nice and festive for the conquering heroes. He decided this must be done and it must be done properly.

To accomplish this goal, the unnamed executive chose to create Department 36-b-1. The significance of that particular naming scheme for this particular department would be lost when he fell asleep that night, but he knew it was an important reason (it ended up being ALMOST the combination to his office safe. The “b” was actually a “6” written by an inebriated man). The paperwork was completed the very next day, and a portion of the building across the street was acquired for the purposes of the Department 36-b-1 doing research and development into creating such a missile to sell to all nations to make them blow things up with a smile. Five people were hired from the laundry department to do this job. They had no idea why they had been chosen for such a job, but the pay was amazing, and they liked watching things blow up. Confetti was nice, too.

So they set about their job. The first thing they needed to do was acquire a large piece of land to do the testing. About 50 miles away from across the street was a perfect piece of land. It was an old soccer field. Nobody played soccer anymore anyway. So they bought the land with their gigantic budget and began work on figuring out how to make a nuclear based missile leave behind confetti in a destroyed and irradiated soccer field. But first, the missile had to get there. Seeing as how a bunch of people from the laundry department were hired for this, they didn’t know that other departments had already accomplished the ability to shoot a missile to a specific location, and therefore felt they had to accomplish this goal on their own.

Fast forward to ZETA years ago, you know, ZETA+1 but -1 now? This isn’t rocket science. Fast forward to ZETA years ago, and the unnamed executive was presented with a piece of paper from his assistant. On it were the details of Department 36-b-1. The very sober executive felt this was a very dumb idea and asked the assistant to tell him who could possibly have come up with it. She pointed at his signature. He immediately said to bury the program. His assistant, Eugenia, decided that might be the best course of action and took the paper to her cousin in accounting.

Herbert Steinwein stared at the paper and wondered why his cousin had handed it to him. He saw her grocery list (not the sticky note with the actual instructions on it) stuck to the paper and felt that maybe the project had been named incorrectly. “Who would want a confetti nuclear missile,” he asked himself. So he renamed the project to “Confetti Ice Cream Toppings,” attached a budget to it, and threw it in the pile with the other things that he felt were done to the best of their ability, which included his submission to the “I Can Cure Cancer” contest his family was having back in Wyoming.

Fast forward again to ZETA-10 years ago. Carl Munchberg walked by that soccer club about 50 miles away from across the street and thought it’d be a good place for a house and a store. So he built one of each. For years, the city built up around his house and little store. The house was cute and the store sold some of the best ice cream in the tri-state area. People would come from miles around to eat the ice cream. And employees of GrimCo loved ice cream, as evidenced by Eugenia and her cousin Herbert. So they would move in to locations around the small store. Ciprania was born one sunny day when the incorporation papers were signed and Mayor Munchberg, whose son now ran the ice cream shop, sat in his new office chair and smiled at the view outside: a piece of green land that used to be part of a lonely soccer field. No one played soccer anymore anyway.

Fast forward finally to ZETA-ZETA years ago. In case you’re not catching on, that’s the present. Math is important, you know. Department 36-b-1 was never given a memo that the project had changed. They managed to test their missile and it finally flew farther than the launch pad. It managed to land right across the street, at one of GrimCo’s many buildings, just last week, which cemented the fact that they would never see the change in paperwork. To this day, they are still working on that missile. To this day, that little ice cream shop is still right in the middle of the little old soccer field that is right in the middle of the city of Ciprania, a city with a population in the thousands, instead of the population of ZETA-ZETA that it used to be when it was a nuclear missile test site. By the way, in case you were wondering, Eugenia’s cancer idea won the family contest. She was so proud. She even celebrated with a candy-confetti-topped ice cream from Ciprania.

(This was written as a stream-of-consciousness piece when I tried to imagine how the city of Ciprania (the name I gave to the community of people who support my creative endeavors) had come to be. And since most of them are also part of GrimCo/The League of Ordinary Gamers, I thought it fitting that this imaginary city sprang from that imaginary corporation. I hope you enjoyed this trip through my unfiltered brain.)

So while being stuck in bed because you’ve got the flu, or your foot was operated on, there are always ways of amusing yourself. Some are rather obvious, like taking cold medicine. That’s always an enjoyable experience, right?1 Here’s a few of the less obvious2 ways to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog:

10. Staring at the ceiling and making pictures with the little dots. I found Charlie Brown a couple of days ago. However, he morphed into Arnold Schwarzenegger while looking at him, so that may have been the Nyquil. I don’t know.

9. Again, staring at something can be quite amusing. In this case I was staring at a digital frame. I had it loaded with pictures of the in-laws and pictures of farm animals. After a while the two started merging in my brain. Was rather hilarious to me.

8. Realizing you can sing much lower. Seriously, have you ever been sick and noticed your voice dropped an octave? Now you can do the Barry White solo with ease. Just don’t try in the shower ’cause the steam clears out your throat and you start sounding more normal. Kind of throws off the mood.

7. Reading is always a great way to pass the time when you’re sick. Of course, you might want to stay away from the fantasy and horror books. With the medicine and the delirium of a fever, you start imagining some of the stories coming true. Can be rather scary. This is one of those few times a guy is allowed to read a romance novel.3

6. Write a book. Since you’re just laying there, you might as well make good use of the time. Write a book. Just realize that when you finally get well again you will not be able to read your handwriting. And if you use the “writing it in my head” method, also realize that your “sick” head and “well” head are two different things. Therefore, your “well” head won’t remember anything that your “sick” head did anyway.

5. Practice origami. I made some swans that could flap their wings, a frog that could really jump, and a boat that could really float. I also made some Chinese throwing stars and practiced throwing them at the ceiling. I even manged to hit Arnie right in the nose.

4. Silly Putty. Can’t say this enough. If you have a little plastic egg with some of this stuff in it, feel free to play with it for hours. It’s quite the stress reliever. And if you have some newspaper, you’re set. You’ll be copying comics all day and reading them backwards. Just don’t try and use it as a bouncy ball when you have a furry pet. It becomes fuzzy. And fuzzy Silly Putty is not a fun thing to play with at all.

3. Speaking of toys, my Rubik’s cube got plenty of use out of it. The stickers won’t stick to it anymore. So now it’s really easy to solve. All of the faces are black. Doesn’t matter how much I mix it up, it’s always solved.

2. Cell phones are fun. You can play games on them. You can make prank phone calls. However, it’s very hard to dial *67 before making a phone call with a cell phone. So prank phone calls don’t work as well when the person picks up and says “Hi Mike.”

1. The best way to amuse yourself when you’re sick as a dog is to build a play mountain out of the sheets and bed spread. Look around for items you can use as army men. Now just fill in the rest with your imagination. The really great thing is when your wife comes in and sees you playing like a little kid, she’ll only think you’re delirious from the medication and let you get away with it. Make sure to include plenty of >pyoo pyoo< noises when firing the imaginary guns. You won’t be able to do them any other time.

What do you like to do to keep yourself amused when you’re sick as a dog?

1. Notice the sarcasm. [↩]
2. Yes. I know video games exist. I play them often. But notice the operative words there are “less obvious” [↩]
3. And yes, I know this one breaks the rule of being less obvious. I wrote the rules though. [↩]

Turn signals are a wonderful invention. They let people know when a driver is going to make a turn. They also let drivers know when a lane change will be taking place. Turn signals only work if the other drivers know how to use them.

Reason #1: A gray Chrysler LeBaron is moving along in front of me. The right turn signal on it is winking at me in a sickly red color. I prepare to stop for when the old vehicle decides to make the right turn. That decision seems to take a while, because even after seventeen available roads on the right, the car has decided the only reason it is winking is to try to secure a date with my own, much younger, Chrysler PT Cruiser. Turn signals only work if people actually turn when they are on.

Reason #2: A black Ford Mustang is blazing towards the corner on my left. It’s right turn signal is blinking to let me know I can pull out and make the right hand turn I would like to make as the Mustang will be turning into the lane to my left. As I start to pull out, the Mustang blazes once again, but this time it is its very loud and angry horn. The Mustang does not turn. It continues along the path I was about to take. Again, turn signals only work if people actually turn when they are on.

Reason #3: A line of three nondescript vehicles are congregating on the corner to my left. I want to go forward. I don’t know if they are in a book club together or perhaps they just want to share cups of tea at the same place, but all three vehicles decide to turn right. All three have smiling faces and bubbly attitudes as they pass me. Just as they do, a long line of cars come from the right and block my attempt to move forward. Turn signals only work if people actually turn them on when they are about to turn.

The LeBaron, Mustang, and bubbly vehicles have now caused me to fear turn signals. I can never trust them whether they are blinking or not. If you start seeing large holes in tail lights of passing vehicles, you now know that I have started my personal vendetta against the turn signals of the world. They shall never fool me again!

If you’ve seen the television show, “How I Met Your Mother,” you probably know about the rule to never do anything after 2 a.m. I do not fully agree with that rule as some of my best work has come after 2 a.m., but I will offer this little example of what happens when it is after 2 a.m., I’m sitting in a new chat room to test it out, and I start typing…

[02:52]Saphrym: Hello?
[02:52]Saphrym: How are you?
[02:52]Saphrym: I’m fine. You?
[02:52]Saphrym: Good. Could always be better of course.
[02:52]Saphrym: Of course.
[02:52]Saphrym: So, how do you like that show Game of Thrones?
[02:53]Saphrym: Loving it. I want to read the books now.
[02:53]Saphrym: Me too.
[02:53]Saphrym: Well, duh. You are me.
[02:53]Saphrym: Oh. Right. Sorry. Forgot.
[02:53]Saphrym: Awkward.
[02:54]Saphrym: Tell me about it.
[02:54]Saphrym: I just did.
[02:54]Saphrym: Oh.

So there you have it. A chat room, two minutes of free time, and a 2 a.m. “giddyness.” This is the kind of stuff I do. And to think, I was alone in there with no plans to share any of this with you guys until I read it over again and decided, why not.

Quite a few things have happened in my life in just the last couple of days. Well, ok. Only one thing. But it’s composed of many little things. I got a new job. I am now a teacher at a high school about an hour away. Great, right? Yep. A dream of mine. I am overly ecstatic and I’m not being sarcastic. However, after I got the job, following are the things that have happened to me:

1. I go to the school for an interview. I guess I ace the interview because not long after I leave, I get a call that they want me to substitute teach for the position until the end of the week to make sure we were a fit for each other. I get happy. I drive back to the school to get paperwork done. I’m told, “See you tomorrow,” and sent on my way. I’m still happy but I begin to realize I just took a job that will test me by fire. I start freaking. A little.
2. I pick up the family along the way home. We walk in the door. The house smells like rotten eggs. “Gas,” I think. I freak again. I call the gas company. They check around. They test. No gas leak. Was coming from somewhere else. I stop freaking until I remember the job.
3. I go to bed and wake up. There’s ice on the roads. They’re salting them so it will ok. I take a shower and get ready for work. I head out. Car slides backwards. I freak. I call the school and tell them the situation. They understand and ask me to come when the roads are clear. I stop freaking until I remember I’m still going to the job. Seniors. They have teeth.
4. The roads clear because the sun comes out. I get happy. I start driving to work. In front of me are a few cars that decide that 35 is the new 55. I snail my way to work about an hour later than expected. I freak again because they really wanted me to be there for at least one certain class. I walk in and it’s the end of that class, but enough time to introduce me to them. I stop freaking until I realize the seniors are my next class. I mentioned seniors have teeth, right?

And that was my last 24 hours. I had amazingly good luck getting the job. The other was bad luck. No. I mean really bad luck. Or so I thought. But then I remembered Haiti.

Update 3/19/2011: The job fell through a long time ago. Forgot to update this. And my mention of Haiti was because of how bad they had it at the time. If this post was written today it would say Japan instead.

I mentioned that random conversations can be fun. And I’m also currently fishing for comments.1 So what I’m going to do is list a random number of random things about me. And then what I want you to do is follow up in the comments with your own random number of random things about you. Ready? Here we go:

1. I have never seen the Godfather movies. There. I said it. My shame is out there for the world to see. I feel so violated.
2. I love coconut. Well, at least I love the kind that is shredded, has sugar added, and is coated in chocolate. It’s my favorite kind. Tends to grow on special bushes out here in Kentucky. I’ve planted many of them in my yard. I’d show you pictures, but you’d only think they were Photoshopped.2
3. I just took a sip of Diet Mountain Dew.3
4. I’m thinking about how the 4 is going to show up on the left of this particular line even though I actually placed <li> at the beginning. The beauty of HTML, right?4
5. I love white tigers.5 I think they look cool.6 But I hate what people are doing to them.
6. 01001001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101111 01101100 001011107
7. My first online name was Sarcastic Sim.8
8. There is a ball filled with water and glitter on my desk. I pick it up and throw it in the air when I’m thinking.9

So there you have it. 8 random things about me. And if you didn’t read the footnotes, you should. They were even more random, and that’s what this is all about, right? It’s now your turn, so feel free to leave a comment including them, or even a link to a post on your blog that has 8 of them already.10

1. Wait… Did I say that out loud? Guess it’s out there now. [↩]
2. And they would be because there’s no such thing as a bush that grows chocolate covered coconut. Although it would be a wonderful experiment in cross breeding. Somebody needs to work on that now. [↩]
3. Can you tell I’m reaching already? [↩]
4. Ok. Now I’m not only reaching but being a geek at the same time. Sheesh. [↩]
5. I could never own one. Imagine the feeding costs and the cost to get them declawed. Ouch. [↩]
6. Although I don’t think Zebras are cool. Hmmm. [↩]
7. See? I’m being geeky again. Try this site to decode that message: http://www.nickciske.com/tools/binary.php [↩]
8. Bet you can’t guess what my specialty was. [↩]
9. It makes pretty sparkles. [↩]
10. Or 9, or 10, or even 172. [↩]

It begins with that tight feeling in your chest. That feeling that makes you hope you’ve only trapped some carbon dioxide a little bit below your throat. It makes you hope that it’s nothing but indigestion. It makes you hope. But it also scares the crap out of you when you touch your neck and find that your heartbeat is skipping.

As I tumbled into the warm sheets I felt that tightness in my chest. It felt odd. It felt different. But then I felt that skipping heart beat. I called my doctor the next day. I wish I hadn’t and I’m glad I did.

I was waiting quietly in a room. I’m only 35 and therefore feel like maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere down the road. Everyone in the building is in their 70s or older. It felt like those dreams of being caught in your underwear walking down the hallway at school. But I waited. Patiently. It’s easy to do that when you smoke. I remember those times. When I smoked and could wait patiently. But I get ahead of myself.

I was asked to come to the back room. They attached a few cold pieces of plastic and metal to my skin. I just knew a large switch on the wall was going to be pulled soon and all of this would be over. But that didn’t happen. Instead, I walked on a treadmill for 4 minutes. Yeah. Only 4 minutes. Sheesh. There had to be something wrong. Then they took pictures of my heart. I was claustrophobic. Not anymore. I then was able to go eat and hang out until they took more pictures of my heart. But the IV had to stay in my hand. I looked like an escaped mental patient. Thank goodness I wasn’t wearing a hospital gown. Oh wait. I did. Later.

See, something was odd about that stress test. The heart doctor said I must get a heart cath done. I am told that a heart cath is where they make a hole in your nether regions and push a tube up into your heart to take some pictures of the inside. That is all I’m told. I’ve never heard of a heart cath before. Nether regions? Exactly where would this hole be? What size tube? How come I’m not allowed to eat anything for 18 hours before doing this? Are they scared I’ll relieve myself once I see what is going to happen to me? This scares me.

Then the day comes when I dress in the hospital gown, down a couple of “the good pills” and lie down on a cold metal slab only to wake up talking like a 2-year-old with a severe case of ADHD and wondering why there’s pressure on my right leg. About an hour later I wake up again, this time with purple bumblebees flying in my room and the doctor telling me I have a head like a bowling ball. 30 minutes later my wife tells me those purple bumblebees were not in existence and that the doctor actually said I had the heart of a 25-year-old. Since I’m 35, I guess that’s a good thing.

So my doctor gives me Nexium. Turns out, it was indigestion. But hey… I managed to quit smoking and gain 30 pounds. Oh, and now I really do have ADHD since I no longer have nicotine to curb it. There’s got to be a lesson in there somewhere. I just can’t find it.

Have you ever just had an awesome random conversation? Whether in person or by e-mail, these can be quite fun. I’ve had them happen in the past, but recently, it happened again and I really wanted to share it with you guys. Kristen from Kristen’s Guide is the person I had this particular conversation with. I featured one of her posts in one of my old blog posts and the conversation can be found below. Try starting one of your own. They can be very fun and really bring out the creativity in you. Without further ado, here’s the conversation between me and Kristen:

Kristen: Ahhhhh, thanks. Very nice of you. I’m honored. You realize though that this makes you my best friend. I’ll buy us matching bracelets and everything. :)

Me: Cool! One of those two-pieces-of-a-heart ones? I like those. ;)

Kristen: OK, but only if it’s made out of certified organic, biodegradable, zero-calorie, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic, non-toxic, not-from-China, PETA approved materials, is labeled with a warning to not let children under 3-years-old play with it, and has earned the Better Homes and Gardens quality seal of approval. Oh, and can we get it in bright orange?

Me: I completely agree, except with the orange. How about orange and pink polka dots?

Kristen: Brilliant! You and I should go into fashion design together.

Me: From student, to blogger, to dieter, to fashion designer? Ok. Let’s do it. ;)

Kristen: Cool! You get to pick the brand logo. I vote for pickles.

Me: How about mustard and pickles? Then the name could be “Must Pick Clothing” ;)

Kristen: Awesome! Then we could have runway shows and all the models will wear pickle costumes with mustard hats.

Me: Ooo! Ooo! The models could ride Harleys onto the stage!

Kristen: You realize what this means, don’t you? Orange with pink polka-dots fashion lines with our pickle and mustard logo and our models wearing pickle suits and mustard hats and riding Harleys on a fashion runway. It means that we’re more than just simple fashion designers. We’re artists, man. And that means we’ll get to charge lots of money for people to buy our stuff. We’ll have to open boutiques in shopping malls and maybe even a grand shop on Rodeo Drive in BH, CA where we’ll serve lattes and Champagne to the rich and famous, who will, of course, beg to buy our clothes (but we’ll laugh at them and refuse because of their recent tabloid scandals). And we can host huge parties filled with people we don’t actually care about just so we can sit back and make fun of them as they try to impress us. Then we’ll expand into other mediums like custom oil paint pigments and lawn gnome designs. Before long, we’ll be able to run for governor and work our way up to president, and, of course, finally, achieve the status of Emperor of the World. We’re starting a revolution, my friend.1

1. I couldn’t top this one, so I then asked if I could repost this on my blog. [↩]

“When I was walking the other day I found out I could chew gum at the same time!”

And you know what? You can too!

The lawyers make me say this: Your own success is guaranteed only by the way in which you utilize this product. If you don’t use it properly, I claim no responsibility. Sorry. That’s just the way it is. Now on to the good stuff:

Hi. My name is Michael White. Let me ask you some questions:

Do you ever feel you are the butt of a joke?
Do you ever wonder how come you’re just standing there with your keys in your hand for hours on end?
Do you get stumped by simple questions like these?
Have you ever spent money on something that was truly worthless?
Have you fallen for a simple scam?

No matter how young or old you may be, I have found the perfect solution to all of your problems! That’s right! I said it! The perfect solution!

Thinking from the first day!

My product is so powerful, it’ll have you thinking from the moment you purchase it. You’ll never know how you got along without it! See, one day it just came to me. “What is it that people I’ve met in my daily life are missing? What is it that they yearn for day and night?” So I got out a pen and a sheet of paper and made a quick sketch. I’m not going to show you that sketch because I’m not much of an artist. It was a sketch of a “puppy cat” anyway and I was on the wrong track. After that sketch I started writing on the same sheet of paper. Mostly scribbles. But then it really came to me! I knew exactly what people were missing. Before going any further, here are some testimonials. I didn’t pay these people anything. I swear:

Michael’s product has been heaven sent. I just don’t understand why I never thought of this before. What he’s charging is a drop in the bucket of what it is worth! – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Oh my goodness! Where do I start with such a wonderful product? I just can’t get over the fact that he even came up with this product! I only wish he would have sold it sooner. So many things would be different in my life. – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Michael. Why do you keep asking me about your product over and over? – Brianna Trackle, Dayton, OH

Ok, so now that I know I have you hooked into buying my product, I guess it’s time to tell you what it is:

My product is called a “Big Round Articulated INterlobe” or B.R.A.IN for short. With this B.R.A.IN, you’ll be able to do things you’ve never thought possible. Here are some of the features:

• Being able to make educated decisions.
• Being able to think for yourself.
• Being able to notice when someone is pulling your leg in all manners of speech.
• Being able to put letters together in such a manner that actual words are formed.

Not only can it do those things, but if you act within the next 24 hours I’ll throw in the following two (2) products that work well with the B.R.A.IN:

1. COMa MONster SENt SEarching, or COM.MON.SEN.SE for short: This beast will find just about any misplaced thought and put it back where it belongs for you.
2. WIShful DOMinion, or WIS.DOM for short: This is a small place out on the ocean where you can use your new B.R.A.IN to find the true meaning of the universe, or at least know how to not upset your in-laws.

So act now and receive your B.R.A.IN, COM.MON.SEN.SE, and WIS.DOM for the very low price of a nickel-ninety-five. You’ll be happy you did.

So I’m sitting there with my family and just like clockwork when the clock chimed 8 o’clock, the phone rang. You probably get these calls too. They begin something like this: “Mr. White. I have an exciting offer to tell you about…” And they usually end quick enough like this: >click<. Do you just hang up on them too? I always have. Until recently.

Since I’ve become an active member in the blogging community I’ve gotten to read tons of marketing blogs. They also basically spout the same information over and over so I’ve about learned it by heart. So I decided to have some fun this time. The conversation went like this:

Me: “Hello?”
Him: “Mr. White. I have an exciting offer to tell you about…”
Me: “Would you like to monetize your phone calls?”
Him: “I’m sorry sir?”
Me: “Monetize your phone calls. You know. Make money with your phone calls?”
Him: “Yes sir. I’m a telemarketer. Now this offer…”
Me: “Have you ever heard of Con Jow?”
Him: “Con Jow?”
Me: “Yes. He’s a well known phone call monetizer throughout the callosphere.”
Him: “The call o what?”
Me: “Nevermind. My point is that he recommends that you use Callvertiser to monetize your calls.”
Him: “Sir. I’m trying to tell you about a cruise, so let me tell you about the different stops…”
Me: “Callvertiser can benefit your calling business tremendously. Throughout your calls audio ads will interrupt and get the caller’s attention so they can buy products from you as an affiliate.”
Him: “One stop is in Cancun and the water is lov…”
Me: “Grab a pen.”
Him: “Grab a pen sir?”
Me: “Yes. Grab a pen. I want you to take down this number real quick.”
Him: “Ok sir.”
Me: “The number is 1-800-382-5968. Make sure to dial extension 3825.”
Him: “Is this your office sir?”
Me: “No, that’s my affiliate phone number to Callvertiser. You’ll learn everything you need to know about this great service there.”
Him: >click<

It was nice to be the one hung up on this time. So, next time a telemarketer calls, have a little fun. You might even start looking forward to 8 o’clock at night. I know I can’t wait. And thank you Internet marketers for the “ammo.” I appreciate it much.

And before you mention it, yes, I know there’s a list. This was more fun though.

1 No, that’s not an answer to some freaky version of Clue. It’s where I found an air conditioner.

See, after my escapade to Wal-Mart and Lowe’s yesterday, I swore my life as a cool human was over. Well, my life as a cool human is over depending on the definition of the word. But temperature wise, I was getting worried. Ok, so the weather was supposed to be colder come Thursday, and as a reader pointed out, that’s the same day the air conditioner guys are coming. But today, it became 90 degrees in my house.

90 degrees. Did I mention I love the heat? Parts of my house still are 90 degrees. But not where I’m sitting. See, a friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. I’ll repeat that: A friend of mine told me to try Geno’s Taxi. Now, not being from around here, I never thought to call a taxi company for an air conditioner. For a taxi maybe. Not an air conditioner. Well, they had one. A 6000 BTU air conditioner less than 26 inches wide that could fit in my storm window and provide a layer of coolness that the pet rock could never have provided. Even has a remote, which is nifty and all, but I doubt that sucker is going to be used at the moment as I want the air conditioner to stay on.

So right now I’m typing on my daughter’s laptop because it’s still 90 degrees in my bedroom where my computer is. But in here, with a blanket covering the archway, it’s about 75 degrees and dropping. There’s a fan behind me. I am in true bliss at this moment.

However, in about 5 minutes I’m going to have to go to the bathroom, and my daughter decided to use hot water when she took a shower earlier. If I don’t suffocate from the heat, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

Moral of the story? When you need an air conditioner, don’t go to Wal-Mart who carries heaters in 90 degree weather. Go to your local taxi company. They are much smarter about such things.

1. This was originally posted Sep 25, 2007, but just like the previous one, I thought it funny enough to move over to the new blog. [↩]

1 The air conditioner went out. Picks the three hottest days at this point to be out until the guys can come and fix it. Yay. Heat. I dare say I love it dearly. *drips with sarcasm*2

So, we decided to go look for some window units. My daughter, wife, and I put our shoes on. We have those neat little rubber shoes with holes in them. I can’t remember what they’re called, but they have good arch support and work like sandals. This is good for me as my feet like to sweat a lot. Anyway, we load up into my best friend’s Cadillac because our van is not working very well and we’ve been borrowing his car.3 We borrowed his car for two reasons: 1. To not have to keep filling our van with power steering fluid. 2. For air conditioning because that’s also broke on our van.4 However, while borrowing it, his air conditioner stopped working also, so in 90 degree weather, we’re off to the stores. I love heat.

We pull up to Wal-Mart and practically run inside. However, my feet decided to sweat anyway, and for some reason feet don’t like to stay still on wet rubber. It’s quite slick. So, I’ll correct that, we STUMBLED inside of Wal-Mart. We head to the area where the fans and air conditioners are, and in their place, as determined by the marketing genius of the Wal-Mart corporation, are heaters. Little heaters. Big heaters. Skinny heaters. Heaters with remote controls. Heaters that use propane. Heaters that use electricity. If I was in the market for a heater, they’d have it. I ask someone where the air conditioners and fans are. “We don’t have any. But we have Christmas trees on sale.” I hope he was kidding. I love the heat.

We stumble back to the car, footprints of sweat trailing us, and head to Lowe’s. It’s only a block away. “They’ll have air conditioners. They’re Lowe’s. They’re big. They carry more of stuff like that.” At this point I’m wearing a shirt that is purely made of salt water molecules. It has transformed. I’ll call it my “ocean shirt.” So, we walk in and the air conditioner there creates an “iceberg shirt.” I’m now happy. I’m going to get an air conditioner. I walk to where the air conditioners are, and guess what I find? Heaters. Little ones. Big ones. Skinny ones. You know the drill. Of course, an aisle away are Christmas trees. I find someone and ask him where the air conditioners are. “We don’t have any. Want a tree?” I love heat.

So now, I sit at the computer in my renewed “ocean shirt” waiting for Thursday to come. That’s when the air conditioner guys come to fix ours. If they offer me a tree, I’m buying a rifle.

1. This was originally posted on Sep 24, 2007, but I still thought it was funny so moved it over to the new blog. [↩]
2. The *something between the asterisks* method of typing is usually used in Internet chat as a way of portraying an action the writer is taking. [↩]
3. That’s a whole other rant that deals with being swindled out of money from a mechanic. I’ll share if you really want me to. [↩]
4. Yet another rant. [↩]

Following on the success of World of Warcraft and the Wii, a small developing firm in Nitlun, Colorado decided to create a new breed of Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) game. This groundbreaking technology is the core of Jimtree Dev Inc.’s mission statement to provide entertainment for the masses no matter education levels or age.

Leigh “Zee” Gaimer, the head of the development team, terms the technology “OneBut.” “OneBut gives players the capability of playing a game using only one button.” She smiles as she says this. “We’ve watched how World of Warcraft has risen to millions of subscribers and feel it’s based off of the ease of use of the system they employ.” Gaimer goes on to mention that the entire gameplay mechanics rests solely on the pressing of one button. “We’re very proud of this system. The player can even choose which button they want to use, whether it’s the ‘5? key or the ‘End’ key on their keyboard, it’s their choice.”

The game will be set in both a technological and fantastical world. Magic and technology coexist to create a world that bends genres so that anyone can appreciate the stories told within it. “We wanted to make sure we could reach the broadest audience possible. Even the art direction is mosaic-like with it’s incorporation of anime, North American comic book, and a dash of Divinci thrown in for the older crowd.” Gaimer insists that although they are relying on the “OneBut” system to increase their overall sales and subscriptions of the game, story and eye candy are still very important to them. “As a matter of fact, we have Stephen King, Terry Brooks, and J.K. Rowling writing the stories and some really good art people designing the look and feel. This game is next generation and will require next generation technology to handle it.”

Gaimer was reluctant to comment much on the “OneBut” system since the game wouldn’t launch for another few months, but she was willing to say this: “The OneBut system will allow you to move, attack, cast spells, chat, craft and do many other tasks all with just one button.” She gave us a small demonstration of the system showing that pressing the button would bring up a list of options for chat because it knew she wanted to chat. These options were “Pwned!”, “That was gay!”, “You’re gay!”, “kk”, “l8rs”, and finally “@#$%”. The system then correctly guessed which one of these she would choose, so when she pressed the button it instantly put “That was gay!” in the chat box and sent it into the channel. “The system has an advanced artificial intelligence,” is all Gaimer would say as she flashed a wicked grin.

The game, untitled as of yet, is slated for a release in Fall of next year. Jimtree Dev Inc. is expecting profits in the ten-figure range. Considering the target audience of the game, they will likely reach those estimates within the first year after launch.

Keep your eyes and ears open for this exciting new technology and what it may mean for the future of gaming.

(NOTICE: “World of Warcraft” is the property of Blizzard. “Wii” is the property of Nintendo. Names of people and places are fictional. This satire/parody has been brought to you by Saphrym.com and written by Michael White. Feel free to copy and paste it anywhere as long as you keep this notice included. Original article location: http://saphrym.com/humor/one-button-mmo-worth-billions/)